Episode Transcript
[00:00:22] Speaker A: It was the first day of 7th grade and I was really mad at my parents because they sent me to Episcopal High School, which was way across town, not really 25 minutes, and not bowls, where all of my friends from elementary school were going, including my BFF, BFF's Emily and Claire. I said, why would you do this to me? I only knew three stinky boys who were going to episcopal from my elementary school. So generally nobody.
And when I think about that first day, I still get a knot in my stomach. Now, I think that most people, when they think about middle school, get a knot in their stomach because it's a really hard time. But that first day in particular, I'm feeling it right now.
And I remember I walked up to the 7th grade locker bays and everyone knew each other. They all went to these Episcopal feeder schools into this middle and high school. And they were, you know, joking around, how was your summer? And I didn't know any of them. And of course the boys were hitting and mocking each other. And they always have their hands all over each other. It was so weird. And I remember thinking, what is wrong with them?
Of course, now I have a middle school boy and I see that he does that with his friends. So I still kind of wonder what is wrong with them. But I have a little bit more of an understanding of them.
And I just remember sitting in the locker bay, you know, kind of pretending to put my books in my locker and, you know, kind of futzing around with it because I was just waiting for the bell to ring. I could not wait for the bell to ring.
And it was so lonely. And I just knew when the bell rang, I could walk to my class, sit down and just be a student, because I knew how to be a student and I wouldn't have to interact with anybody. And I'm an extrovert. So the fact that I didn't want to interact with people says a lot about how uncomfortable I was.
And then I had the standard middle school insecurities.
I have naturally curly hair, and this was in Florida where the humidity is like 110%. So I had bad hair.
There was a new dress code. It was a new campus, new classes, and no friends.
And then I remember getting to lunch. I'm like, halfway through the day, and you look into this lunchroom and everyone has a place. Everyone is sitting at tables with their friends. And I didn't know if I could sit down with them or what. And I do remember a girl who was in a similar situation as me, you know, new to the school. I think she actually had just moved from England, so she really didn't know anybody. Katie McMillan. And I remember she was my first friend there at Episcopal. And I believe we ate lunch together that first day.
So all of that was really hard.
And my homeroom teacher is still one of my favorite people on the planet, Lori Sackman, she was my absolute godsend because she was also a PE coach. And they did these fitness tests, like near the beginning of the year, I'm sure. You know, they say, oh yeah, this is a requirement by the state, or I think in the eighties it was a presidential mandate, but really they were scouting the best athletes in our class. And do you all remember that, those eighties and nineties fitness tests you. I remember we had to do a 1 mile run, which I walked most of because I had never done that before.
Shuttle run, one of those standing long jumps, an arm hang. The boys had to do pull ups and I, and the girls had to do the arm hang. I was really good at the arm hang. I could just lock it in. No more, though. I can't do that anymore. And then you had to throw a ball as far as you could. And I was also good at that because I had played softball, you know, for several years.
And I remember she said, what sports are you gonna play? And I said, well, I'll probably play softball. I might play soccer. She's like, have you thought about playing volleyball? And I hadn't, but she happened to coach volleyball and convinced me to play. So that got me started right away playing volleyball and that led to playing basketball. And then of course I played softball.
That was the way that I made friends initially. I made friends with my teammates. It was a physical outlet. And honestly, I learned that sports and fitness was a great thing.
So it worked out for me. Episcopal was the perfect school for me. And even though I was twelve years old and thought my parents didn't know anything and how dare they do this to me. It was the right decision for me, but it didn't. That did not make it any less hard. It was hard.
So as kids are going back to school now, they are going to struggle with transitions, whether it's just a new sleep routine, new teachers, new classes, new kids. I mean, even if they're going to the same school, there's going to be new kids.
Devin said he wasn't nervous about starting the 7th grade, but I'm sure he still had some insecurities. And so the day before school we actually got his classes and he knew generally where the classrooms were. We got on Google maps and we mapped out his routes before school so he knew where to go and wasn't stressed out that day. And I'm glad we did that.
In this episode, I talked to my friend Nicole again about kids and how they transition into a new school year. She's a teacher and she has the very unique perspective of having watched hundreds and hundreds of students come into her classroom each year. Actually, even she is transitioning. She's taught the fourth and fifth grade for most of her time as a teacher and now she is teaching the first and second grade. So that's a big jump.
And we talk about when kids tend to show that they are struggling or just having a hard time, how it shows up, what it looks like and then maybe what we as parents can do about it.
Hello and welcome to 45 left to right podcast.
I have my friend Nicole here again and she is a second grade combo, 2nd 1st Convo class teacher here in New Kaiba. And what other grades have you taught?
[00:09:09] Speaker B: So I started my career in first grade and then the last ten years I have been fourth or fifth mostly.
I did teach one year at third and then before that I worked middle school.
[00:09:23] Speaker A: Interesting. So she has quite the range of teaching all of them. And I can say as a parent at this elementary school for quite a while that everyone was like, you have to request misses, Fox. And I never did just because I don't usually do that. But I'm glad we're now friends so I get to have her all the time. Okay, so what we're going to talk about today, since it's back to school where we just started August 8, right.
And others are starting as well, is about how some kids struggle to transition.
Devin struggles to transition.
It's usually in very subtle ways, but you can tell even if he's excited for the opportunity, even if he's like, yay, school is fun.
He usually has a mini meltdown at some point within the first two weeks. So we're going to talk about that. So my first question for you is what are some of the signs that a kid is struggling to transition?
[00:10:45] Speaker B: So coming into the classroom when we have kids, like there's all kinds, there's the kids that are bouncing off the wall, there's the kids that are a little bit more timid. They're kind of just standing back like looking shy, maybe looking down. So far this year, I shouldn't say it out loud, I haven't had any criers. Yay. Which is part of the reason why I don't typically, like the smaller people, you get more tears.
But so far this year, I haven't had any of that. I do have one little one who, every time he comes down at the carpet to read a book, she immediately, like, covers her ears and tucks her head. And we don't know why she's doing that.
She doesn't seem to have tears.
Maybe she wasn't particularly fond of the book, but what I've heard from, I went and chatted with her teacher from the previous year, and she said that, oh, yeah, she just, that particular student just kind of struggles in general. Like, she's not at school very often, so maybe she just doesn't get the routines and the transitions. But it's hard because they either ask a lot of questions, like, when's lunch?
[00:11:54] Speaker A: When's lunch?
[00:11:55] Speaker B: When's lunch? Over and over and over again. Then it's, when are we going home?
And they do that even if they seem perfectly happy, because it's just, they're not used to, like, okay, recesses at this time. Lunch, last recess, home. Because they're used to just being home over the summer. So we do see the variety. Some kids cry. Some kids just seem more timid. Some kids just don't seem to know when to use the restroom.
We see it in all kinds of ways. Yeah.
[00:12:26] Speaker A: For Devin, he usually within the first couple of weeks, I'll have a teacher say, hey, Devon had a rough day today. And sometimes that just means he got, he lashed out at a kid for doing whatever. It's middle school. That kid might have deserved it, but even in elementary school, he had just a couple of days where he would cry, which is really rough right now. If he does, if he yells at a kid, you know, if he, like, slams something down, those sort of things, I'm like, okay, well, yeah. And no matter what I do to prepare him for this transition, it just happens, you know? So right now we're in the honeymoon phase of school.
[00:13:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:21] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:21] Speaker B: I hope that sticks for a little while until I also get through the honeymoon.
[00:13:25] Speaker A: Right.
[00:13:26] Speaker B: But, yeah, we've definitely seen all of those in elementary school. And even when I worked at middle school, you have the kids that the transition might, it might even be in the middle of the year. It's just we, we end up starting basically over. Every time there's a break that's longer than Monday.
You know, it's. We do. We see the slamming of things or they'll get really frustrated with something that's really basic.
[00:13:49] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:49] Speaker B: And they just crumple it and they cry.
[00:13:53] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:53] Speaker B: And I know as moms, we get a lot of that at home, which I would rather it be at home and not in front of the middle schoolers.
Please don't let my child cry in front of middle schoolers.
But yeah, you see all of that. You really do. And every kid is different, so they do it in different ways, but it's usually the slamming, the yelling out, the hands on people.
[00:14:17] Speaker A: Yeah, that's.
I'm hoping that doesn't happen this year. And I know with Devin last year when he first started, went to transition from elementary to middle school, I got a lot of calls from the nurse because.
[00:14:32] Speaker B: On tummy eight.
[00:14:33] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. I don't you. Well, you know, and our nurse here at the elementary school is just the sweetest ever.
Although ironically, I met her in jiu jitsu, but the one at the middle school, she's got to be a lot more no nonsense.
[00:14:52] Speaker B: And, well, she has like triple the amount.
[00:14:55] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, exactly. And there's a lot of kids coming in that are like, I just struggling, you know, and she's a place to go.
[00:15:02] Speaker B: Yeah. Because that, that nervousness is the tummy troubles or their inventive tummy traps or I have a headache.
[00:15:09] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly, exactly. And I would like to mention that Nicole has a son who just went from elementary school to middle school.
[00:15:17] Speaker B: So it's, you know, I'm feeling the nerves more than him.
[00:15:20] Speaker A: Right.
Sure. His nerves will show up.
[00:15:24] Speaker B: You're getting there.
[00:15:25] Speaker A: Speaking of showing up, when do you usually, especially at the beginning of the year, when do you usually see this showing up?
[00:15:36] Speaker B: For a lot of the kids, if it doesn't show up, day one, it's going to be probably this week, this upcoming week, because day one and day two are those half days like elementary does. Half days. So it's like, okay, about the time that they're settling in and kind of getting, oh, where are we? Then we go home. Yay. But Monday's our first full day.
Yay for that. So that those first two days are usually the excited nerves. And then this week is really going to be the first week where we get into, like, actual school.
[00:16:12] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:16:13] Speaker B: And it's going to be a long week, so it's usually the first two weeks where it's actually. Okay, well, this is our real schedule because everything's so short on those first two days.
[00:16:22] Speaker A: Yeah, that's true.
[00:16:23] Speaker B: So by Friday, when I'm under the table and you have to come rescue me, this is where I'll be.
[00:16:29] Speaker A: I'll bring the Chipotle yeah, I know, right? You've got the possible teacher meltdowns as well, but you have to hide those.
[00:16:39] Speaker B: Yep. My first year teaching, all three of us in that grade were brand new to teaching and brand new to that school. So we all went in with very high expectations of our first graders. And we all came out of that first day, like, hiding under the table because we expected them from our past experiences to be able to do very specific things. And we had very young first graders, and this was before they put the age cut pushback where the age was in December. So you could be basically five, like, barely five going into first grade. And we all were. We all walked into each other's rooms at the end of the day and we just, like, laid on the floor and just cried because we expected them to be able to write. Like, we had all these assignments of, like, three or four word sentences and this matt. And they could barely hold a pencil.
[00:17:28] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:17:29] Speaker B: So they were nervous and they were babies.
[00:17:31] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:31] Speaker B: And that was their first full day of school because at that point, kinder wasn't full day either. So they were, like, crying all day and stressed out and, like, messed up because we didn't plan correctly because we didn't know, and then we were stressed out.
That was a mess. But I. We quickly were able to turn it over and we went back in day two and we had it back.
[00:17:55] Speaker A: At least you had some support. Yeah.
[00:17:57] Speaker B: All three of us, though, that was great because all three of us were brand new. So we all were just like, how was your class today? And they were like, how was your class today? And we're just like, it was awful.
[00:18:11] Speaker A: Yeah.
I know. We have to think about the teachers, too, because you're going from summer to school.
[00:18:18] Speaker B: I went from big people to summer to school with little people.
[00:18:22] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a big jump. So let's see, the youngest in your class right now is what, about six?
[00:18:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:31] Speaker A: And then the oldest would be seven, maybe only eight. Yeah. And then last year you had.
[00:18:37] Speaker B: My youngest was ten.
[00:18:40] Speaker A: Oh.
[00:18:41] Speaker B: At the end of the year, turning eleven.
[00:18:43] Speaker A: Wow. And your oldest would be twelve.
[00:18:45] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:45] Speaker A: Wow. That's a huge jump.
That's a huge jump. Yeah, you'll be good. Oh, you got this. You got this. I've been saying this all along and.
[00:18:56] Speaker B: I'm like, no, I don't.
[00:18:59] Speaker A: Well, the middle school has a full day the first day, which. But they're older, you know? But of course, the minimum day on Friday because in this school district, we have minimum days on Fridays, usually most.
[00:19:10] Speaker B: School districts that have minimum days that we have are Wednesdays.
[00:19:14] Speaker A: Yeah, I don't. Yeah, that's not great.
[00:19:17] Speaker B: Well, but a lot of the people, they do that because a lot of the people take Friday off instead of coming, so they just don't show up on Friday. So it's an attendance.
[00:19:25] Speaker A: That makes sense. Okay. All right. That makes sense, I guess.
Okay. So what do you usually do to help a kid who is struggling with this?
[00:19:37] Speaker B: If anything, the biggest thing is just, we try to, like, reassure them. Like, hey, you know, you have friends here who were your friends last year or the kids that are new to the school? We try to find them a buddy friend. You try to find, like, the sweetest kid in your class and like, hey, you're. You're now their buddy, because it's especially hard when you get kids in the middle of the year.
[00:19:57] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:57] Speaker B: And so everybody's kind of already established, so that's just something we do. We find them a buddy. I usually put them in the classroom with the bigger kids. I tried to not make a big deal about who's new. I always just kind of am like, and we're here. Let's go. Because, like, when you make them stand out, it's worse.
So. But in even. That's even day one where you have multiple kids who might be new to your school, and I try to just make sure that they have all of their. Their schedule.
This is what we do when we come in. This is what time we go to recess. This is what time we go to lunch. This is where. And I have somebody, like, show them. Or on the first day of school, we do, like, a school tour. Even if these kids have been here since kinder to fifth grade, I still do a school tour. This is where you're not supposed to go. This is where you're supposed to go. This is what your expectations are. And usually, just for most kids getting back into that routine of, oh, okay, we are at school. It helps even those kids that have been here forever, and it also helps those kids that are new or nervous feel like, okay, I know what's expected. I can move on and move forward.
[00:21:04] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:05] Speaker B: And then sometimes with those kids that just kind of, like, you know, they just tuck their heads and hide. It's just. I just kind of. You show them a little bit of extra love. Like, hey, just check in with more. Oh, I love your coloring. Great job. Coloring.
[00:21:17] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:17] Speaker B: Yeah. You remember to write your name on the paper, and that kind of helps bring them. Bring them back and then just letting them be.
[00:21:24] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:21:25] Speaker B: Not drawing too much attention, but also giving them that little extra quiet, like, good job, right?
[00:21:32] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:21:33] Speaker B: Build them up a little bit. But then also at the same time, let them go and figure it out. Because most of the time, the kids, it's like, if you put too much attention on that, they're nervous. Oh, I'm nervous. So that's why they're paying attention to me. So that means something's wrong.
[00:21:48] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:21:48] Speaker B: So most of the time, if you just kind of let them go, because it's been a really long time since I've been with kids who haven't been at school at all.
[00:21:56] Speaker A: Oh, wow.
[00:21:56] Speaker B: Like, kinder. So most of those guys are completely different because most of those kids are feral. So they don't even know what school is. They're like, you want me to sit on the floor? What? But, yeah, especially for the bigger kids. If you just kind of like, this is our routine. This is how it's going to go. I'm going to be the grumpy teacher who's going to make you do your stuff. And they know what to expect. They're like, oh, this is going to be the grumpy teacher. And I know that. So they just, once you get into that routine, it just helps them move forward.
[00:22:25] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Routine. I think I've always been a proponent of routine. I mean, even when Devon was a toddler, I'm like, okay. Like, in my brain, I'm not explaining to him, this is what we're going to do. But, you know, I'm like, we're out of the house by nine, we're ahead napping by twelve, you know, so I'm glad that school is structured, you know? And, yeah, last year he had a social studies and science teacher who I will forever sing the praises of, misses Wynt. Because she, she sent me a message one day and she said Devon had a really hard day. And she found him under the table quietly crying. Cause he knew he couldn't cry in front of kids.
[00:23:13] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:13] Speaker A: And I, of course, broke my heart into a million pieces. But it was. He got overwhelmed by all the noise and kids were, you know, it was a group thing. And so she said, I just quietly sent him out of the room and let him, you know, handle it. I know. And she's like, because she knows in the 6th grade, you cannot draw attention under the table crying. Right?
And I said, did anyone notice? And she's like, I don't think anybody noticed because they're all into themselves.
And I really appreciated that. But that was also a turning point for him because he knew I can just take a step outside the room, you know, I mean, he's not going anywhere. So they, you know, they are okay with you.
[00:24:04] Speaker B: He's not the one that you're like, hey, so and so lost their shoes. Have you seen this?
[00:24:07] Speaker A: Right, exactly.
[00:24:09] Speaker B: We've had some of those, too.
[00:24:10] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:24:11] Speaker B: But I've seen. From the smallest of people to the biggest of kids underneath the desk crying. I've seen. There was one kid that I didn't even. I was like, hey, has anybody seen so and so? And they're like.
And they, like, they were pointing under the table and mouthing like, he's under the table? And I was like, but why? Because he was the biggest, like, burliest kid, and I kind of, like, looked under the table and, like, looked at him quizzically, and I was like, hey, what's up? Why are you like, did you lose something? And he, like, eventually looked up at me, and you could just see the big, giant tears rolling down his face. I was like, do you want to go outside? And he's like, no. I was like, you do you then, right? And I'm just going to walk away because, I mean, I think that was in fourth or fifth grade, and I love that kid. And he was just one of those big, burly guys that he just had a hard day.
And they do. And sometimes the transition might not come at the beginning of the school year. It might come more towards the middle, when hormones start kicking in or when you have a really long weekend that they didn't necessarily get to decompress from or, you know, parents are having issues at home or they got in trouble or, you know, grandma, you know, the transition might not necessarily be the first day.
[00:25:33] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:34] Speaker B: It might surprise you in March, and you're like, whoa, what is. What is that?
We made it all the way to day 105, and now we're getting the. The wiggles.
[00:25:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:48] Speaker B: And so you just never know when that big transition moment will come.
[00:25:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:52] Speaker B: It might not be the first day.
[00:25:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:54] Speaker B: But, I mean, yeah, I've definitely found plenty of kids under the table. Like, you cool. You want to go?
[00:25:59] Speaker A: Cool.
[00:26:00] Speaker B: No. Okay. You just. You do.
[00:26:02] Speaker A: You go ahead.
[00:26:02] Speaker B: Stay there. I'm not gonna.
[00:26:04] Speaker A: Yeah, I know. I just don't know how this year is gonna go. I was talking to Jeff or. No, I was talking to Laura and yesterday, and I said, you know, I'm really nervous about 7th grade. And she said, why?
And that sounds blunt, but she just was really curious, and I. And I told her. I was like, I just. I've heard 7th grade is kind of nuts because the hormones are like, boom.
[00:26:33] Speaker B: Yay.
[00:26:34] Speaker A: And they're wild and mean sometimes, you know? And I like to think my child is very nice and kind, and he's.
[00:26:44] Speaker B: Very sensitive, and there are some kids that are going to stay nice and kind, so hopefully, Devin will stay nice and kind throughout.
[00:26:52] Speaker A: So I'm trying, but it's so weird.
[00:26:55] Speaker B: Because I have parents who tell me it's 8th grade. It's the 8th grade transition, that you'll see that maybe, but then it's like, you don't want your kid to be on the low end of that either, where they're still super innocent and believing in Santa Claus, and then you're like, oh, do I send them to middle school? Like, believing in the Easter bunny? And then, like, all of a sudden, he's getting picked on because he believes in the easter bunny, and then we're gonna have that big slam in the face when you're like, okay, okay.
[00:27:23] Speaker A: Do you want them to get slammed at school, or do you want them to slam?
[00:27:26] Speaker B: Yeah, but then it's like, you don't want to break that innocence too early. I know, but then you don't want to.
It's so hard being a parent. It's so hard.
[00:27:36] Speaker A: I just, you know.
Oh, all right, next one. Okay, well, you actually already kind of covered this about, do younger kids struggle? Do you think they struggle more with the transitions or back to. Especially back to school than older kids or.
[00:27:53] Speaker B: For me, I think they just struggle in different ways. Okay, so the younger kids struggle more with the, like, being at school part. Okay, well, now I. Oh, I have to do this, but I'm hungry. When's lunch? And you can't just be like, look at the clock, look at the board.
So they struggle with, like, the basic day to day maintenance, whereas the older kids struggle more with the social part.
[00:28:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:16] Speaker B: My friends, not in my class. So now I'm nervous because now I have to make new friends, and then I can't find them at recess, and, you know, so they struggle just with different things. And sometimes they struggle with the same thing of, oh, I'm new.
I'm so scared to meet my teacher. So the little kids are more excited about the teacher.
[00:28:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:35] Speaker B: And the older kids are more, like, nervous about, well, how is this teacher gonna like me?
[00:28:39] Speaker A: Oh, interesting.
[00:28:41] Speaker B: So, like, oh, well, what if she just doesn't like me? And I'm like, well, why wouldn't she like you? You're amazing. Like, just go, you'll be fine. So that's kind of the difference that I found with them. Little kids want to be at school and some of the big kids do too, but it's just more of the social anxiety. My friends aren't in my class versus, oh, I love my teacher, but I need to, like, be a human and be in the classroom and do the classroom things.
[00:29:08] Speaker A: Right.
[00:29:08] Speaker B: Because the other kids know that they have to go to class and there's going to be a lunch and so they already know that because they're there and they're cognitively aware of that.
[00:29:15] Speaker A: Right.
[00:29:16] Speaker B: Whereas the little kids are just everywhere.
[00:29:18] Speaker A: Yeah, I think I'm a little kid. I feel everywhere all the time.
What are some things, do you think as a parent and a teacher that parents can do to help, if anything, their kids with these transitions back to.
[00:29:34] Speaker B: School, especially the biggest thing, and I know I struggle with it too, is just keeping them on a schedule for the summer or at least like when summer starts to end. A lot of them are still used to being up late and then getting up late. So all of a sudden now you're waking them up at 630. Cause especially since our school starts at 730, so it's like they're still going to bed at ten, even in first and second grade. Ten or 11:00 p.m. and then now they're getting up at 06:00 a.m. 630 because parents are back to work. Cause, you know, whoever's not watching them.
[00:30:08] Speaker A: Right.
[00:30:08] Speaker B: And so they're not. Their schedules are all over the place for that.
[00:30:12] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:12] Speaker B: And then, you know, just being like, okay, where are your shoes? Your shoes need, like, just. And I know they said that in every parenting book and everything ever. It's like, have their stuff ready for them.
[00:30:23] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:30:23] Speaker B: Like, where are their shoes? You don't necessarily have to pick out their clothes at night, especially if you're like my kids that are just like, throw on a pair of shorts and shirt and go. But like, if they have to have something special, make sure that's ready for them. Yeah. So you're not doing the lunch.
Where's my food? Where's my shoes in the morning? And getting them going. So just having that nice, calm morning, which is something that I also try to do as a parenthood and some mornings are more calm than others. Or you're just like, get in the car or else I am leaving you at home and you will walk to school or you can wake up your dad, pick one. But just, like, making sure you have that as a parent, especially for the first few weeks, get that schedule going. Make them go to bed at a regular, reasonable time, please. So they're not falling asleep in class because it's already a really long day that they're not used to of sitting and staring at somebody talking all day.
So just get them ready, have all their stuff, make it calm in the morning. Get them there on time, because the parents that their kids are running in at the last minute, then a lot of those kids, and I know my kids do it because I don't like being late. So I unfortunately instilled that in my kids.
[00:31:30] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh.
[00:31:30] Speaker B: But they're just like. So then they're just there. You can see them spiraling when they're in your class because they were late. They were late. One of my kids actually came in. He said, I'm not allowed to be late to school anymore. And I was like, oh, really? Why, bud? Because my mom will go to jail.
[00:31:44] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh.
[00:31:47] Speaker B: Because we do have something called sarbing, where if you're late or if your kid is absent a lot, it is actually, like, a legal matter. Your kid has to legally be in school on time. But his mom's. Whatever conversation they had, it's not. Your mom's going to jail. Your mom gets a fine. You do get a fine if your kid is not present in school on time. But I was like, she's not going to jail. But, yes, you should be at school on time. So I'm not gonna. I'm not. If that's how your mom did it, I am not gonna take that away from her, because I get it. As a parent, sometimes you have to tell them the big lie.
[00:32:19] Speaker A: You do.
[00:32:20] Speaker B: But, yeah, it was just so funny just making sure they're on time, even if it's just ten minutes early, so they can put their backpack down, go play a little bit, go run around. Go figure out where school is. That way, they're not already spiraling coming into the classroom because some of our kids, it takes them, like, an hour to come down from that. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So it's like they. They don't know where they're at for an hour, and they're already late, and then it takes them that hour, so they're missing all of that because they're. And I mean, I feel it, too. When, you know, when you're late, you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm late, I'm late. I'm late. I'm here, but I was late. Yeah, yeah.
[00:32:54] Speaker A: Oh, it drives me crazy.
[00:32:55] Speaker B: So. And that. And a lot of our kids feel that. And they don't know how to calm down enough. So, like, move forward. Whereas, like, when we're at work and we're late, we know that we're moving forward. We might not be the most productive people, but we know that we have to get things done. The kids are just like. You can see them. Their little eyes are small.
Just make it calm. Get things ready the night before. Keep them on a routine so that they know where bedtime is and they know when they're getting up. And they can just kind of cruise into school.
[00:33:23] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:33:24] Speaker B: That's honestly the best.
[00:33:25] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. I know for Devin, we are. Maybe it's the army thing for me, but we're very structured at home. Like, this is a routine. Even in summer, we might let him stay up 30 minutes later.
I mean, usually he gets himself up anyway, but I don't know when it started. But he insists he must be here or at school when the gates open.
And. Which is great because he's out of the house.
But I think it started in elementary school because he had to get his wiggles out. You know, he needed at least 20 minutes to be at school, just be it and run around like a crazy feral child and get that in. Probably see his friends eventually. I found out he was going to school early because he wanted to have breakfast with a little girlie and a crush on, which he later dashed his hopes. But it's another story.
But.
And now even in middle school, you know, their gates open at 730. He leaves the house by 725 because he wants to be there. 730. And I think it's social. You know, Devon is very extroverted.
[00:34:44] Speaker B: Let them find the people to get the words out.
[00:34:47] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:34:48] Speaker B: So they're not getting the words out during class.
[00:34:50] Speaker A: Yes. Yes. Yeah.
[00:34:52] Speaker B: I like to be a lot of places early. Cause I like to be able to find my spot even now as an adult, especially if it's a new place, I want to go and find parking that makes me comfortable. I like to walk up to the gate to make sure I knew where I need to make sure. And a lot of our kids, especially our ones that have more troubled home lives, they need that more than most because that makes them feel secure at school being there. And unfortunately, those are the ones that tend to have the hardest time with transitions because they don't necessarily get here the earliest. Yeah, but most kids need that. They need to know where am I going? What time will I be there? Okay, this is what I'm expected to do. Go have breakfast, right? Yeah, go have your run time. You need to make sure they know they have all of that.
[00:35:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:35:42] Speaker B: If they don't have and they come to school with a giant Starbucks instead, it's for a really long day. Makes for a really long day for everyone. For everybody.
[00:35:54] Speaker A: Well, I appreciate you generally in my life, but also for like this interview, we will hear from Nicole again on some other topics. But that's the only teaser I'm going to give everyone.
[00:36:10] Speaker B: That's the same teaser for me too.
[00:36:12] Speaker A: Exactly. I haven't told her yet, but yeah, I thank you so much.
[00:36:15] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:36:32] Speaker A: Welcome back to 45 left or right podcast. I hope you enjoyed my interview with Nicole. I certainly enjoyed the interviewing her. She's always fun, but also very thoughtful and a great resource.
So we're going to do and just talk about some research. It's that time of the episode. Research about things that kids worry about and transitions and maybe some tips on how to help your kids through it.
The first article I looked at is actually from CB's News and it's called the title is 71% of parents say kids experienced challenges last school year. Survey says. And we're going to talk about some of the top stressors. And this is by Sarah Maniosko. And this came out July 27, 2023. So they did a survey of over 500 parents of children between three to 17. So a big age range and these are some of the top issues that parents identified.
One is safety concerns. 37% 26% said academic challenges. I don't even want to talk about why safety concerns is more than academic challenges, but I'm going to move on from that. 24% says that bullying is a worry and that is my biggest worry for Devin this year. He says he's not worried about bullies, but you know, they're there. He encountered a few of them last year. So. And it's the 7th grade. You know, we're in the heart of middle school now. We are in the heart of hormones and crazy things going on with them right now. So that's my biggest concern.
Ongoing pandemic related social challenges 24% that was a rough year, year and a half. And that is going to take a while for kids to get over, if they will. I think it altered their childhoods for sure. And then 22% say mental health challenges, which I think can be linked to all of the above ones that they stated.
So that's kind of just a basic survey that CB's news covered.
And I think a lot of what makes kids and even adults anxious is the fear of the unknown.
You know, there is a lot not knowing what's going to happen.
If you think about it too much, you know, the anxiety can be paralyzing. And so I found an article by the BBC called why we're so terrified of the unknown. And this came out October 26 of 2021 and was written by David Robson.
So this is, this is a really interesting study.
So basically it is a study. He referenced this one conducted by Dan W. Group and Jack B. Nichka, two researchers in psychology. And they did a study basically, where they shocked people, some people.
So basically they said, okay, there's a 50% chance of you getting shocked. And then they had another group where they said there was 100% chance of getting shocked. Those that were in the 50% of getting shocked, they had more anxiety than those who knew they were getting shocked. And so basically what they said is, in research, different studies conducted over and over again, any element of unpredictability, of not knowing what's going on or what's going to happen significantly increased people's anxiety and discomfort.
And they didn't change the intensity of the shock. There wasn't like, you know, it was the same level of shock that was, that was the constant, but they had greater stress. If there was a 50% chance not knowing what was going to happen, that is amazing to me. So what that says to me about back to school is even if kids are returning to the same school with the same friends, their teacher is new, they do things differently, their schedule has changed. You know, their friends might not be in their class and they are learning new things. That's the minimum amount of stress that they are facing. And then there's lots of other unknown things that they're facing. So, you know, it makes sense, right, that they're, they probably already have stress before starting school and then they start school and all of these new things are kind of coming at them at once. And they're, you know, some kids, I think most kids are going to show some struggles with transitioning. So that leads me to the next article.
This is just from CNN. This was done a while ago, in August 2015. But school is school and I think it still applies. So the article is just says back to school what kids are most anxious about. And they interviewed kids. I love. This one kid said, even though I'm not anxious, if I was anxious, I would be anxious for homework.
This is from a kid named Jaden.
I love that because he's like, oh, I'm not anxious, but I am anxious. I just don't want to admit it. And that's Devin. If I asked him before school, I said, oh, are you nervous about school starting? No.
And, but he was really nervous about finding his classes and what his routine was going to be. He didn't say that, but I could tell another one, Rachel said, I'm anxious for homework, the test, if I'm smart enough and what teacher I'm going to have.
I noticed the first day of school, Devin came home with a couple of his friends and they were talking about what teachers they have and what classes they had. And one of them said to Devin, oh, no, you got that teacher. That teacher is hard. And that teacher is strict. And I could see in his eyes thinking, oh, my gosh, you know, dread. But the thing is, kids talk like this. They try to psych each other out or honestly, usually it's a teacher that has rules. And usually the ones that say, oh, you got that teacher are the ones that aren't following the rules. But it's just how kids talk. It's just how it is. It's childhood.
All right, so another one. So those two are about academics being smart enough, anxious for homework, anxious for testing. These next ones are funny. I'm anxious about the fourth and fifth grade relay during track and field meets. It's supposed to be harder and more competitive than third grade grade. That's Hattie.
And I think that told me that their anxiety might not be what you think. You know, you might think they're going to stress out about their academics and it could just be a track meet, you know, all those things and it's totally valid. Right?
Okay. So the next article, in theory, offers tips on how to help your kids through this. It's from the APA, which I think is the American Pediatric association, and it's entitled back to school can be a stressful time. How to help your kids transition.
So we've already talked about why is going back to school so hard. It's the fear of the unknown that's the most stressful. And, you know, Devin gets nervous about his teachers and his workload. And I think if he's going to measure up, there's social anxiety. Oh, boy, is that a thing in middle school, you know, the complexities of making friends and avoiding kids who are jerks. And it is. It's complicated, you know, and you don't necessarily want your parents help through those things. So even though I know with Devin, even though he doesn't want my help with those things, he still, I think, feels a loneliness and that he's going through this himself or that we don't understand.
You know, school is hard for some kids who might have a learning disability or even a physical disability. That sort of adds to how difficult school is and bullies. Devon encountered a few of them last year and he did not tell us about it.
So every day he was going to school carrying that anxiety with him. And we didn't know until we, you know, a little further into the school year. Now, his friends usually come over after school a couple of days a week. So I asked them a lot of questions just to get information out of them. And so far they provide it freely. Sometimes they tell me when Devin did something bad, as they say, that's just bonus information.
So what do we do to help our kids?
Some of these may seem obvious, but I'm still going to list them out.
So one thing is just to talk to them about their uncertainty about school, especially if it's a new school or just the new school year.
Help them talk about how to work through some things or how to assure them about things.
One suggestion is ask them what they liked about their previous school or grade and maybe see how, oh, you know, you liked this teacher in the fourth grade. Well, maybe your fifth grade teacher does it that way too, those sort of things.
So Devin said he wasn't nervous about the school year, but he was upset when we found out we weren't going to be able to do a walkthrough of the school and, like, see where his classrooms were this year.
So he did say, oh, I'm really, I'm nervous about that. So, like I mentioned before, we got out the Google maps, and if you zoom way in, it'll show you the building numbers and the layout of the school. So we were able to, you know, he generally knew where his classrooms were, so we were able to go through the route he was going to take each day. And that seemed to make him feel better. And then the first day of school, I said, did you, did you have any trouble finding your classrooms? And he said, no, I did fine. So that was good.
And then just let them know, I don't know, try to relate to them. I think this is difficult because our kids don't, can't envision us as, just as an example, a 7th grader, Devin, doesn't know what it was like for me to, or doesn't know me as a 7th grader. So I think. Can't believe that I was ever a 7th grader. But despite that, I try to say, you know, when I was in the 7th grade, I struggled with this. You know, just let them know you're aware of what they're going through as much as you can. And, of course, just be there for them in the process.
It is hard. They have a hard time, you know, envisioning that. But sometimes just stating out loud, I'm here if you ever need to talk, even if Devon, especially right now, is eye rolling me, it's still in the air. He knows I'm there. And if he needs to, he knows I'm there, you know, sorry, we're both there, of course. And just, you know, this says, talk about being nervous is normal. And just because you're nervous doesn't mean it's bad, bad.
Those sort of things, you know, encourage them to face their fears. But it is hard when your parents say those things because I don't know, no matter what we say, I. I feel out of touch. Even if I'm not, I still feel out of touch.
So I wanted to go through real quick, you know, Nicole talked about kids showing small signs of struggling with a transition, maybe hiding under a desk or crying or, you know, those sort of things. But what if they are having significant problems going back to school? You know, maybe in the next month or two? So here are seven warning signs that your child is struggling in school. And this is from the Katherine T. Harvey center for Clinical Studies.
Just to talk about their authority and what they know. This center specializes in working with families who are living with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety, depression, and autism. And they have two schools, a mental health clinic, a community education, and curated online resource library. So they know this stuff for sure.
So here are some signs, just briefly. Refuses to discuss school experiences, a change in attitude about school, and the implication being they don't want to go to school anymore. Maybe they have physical symptoms like sleeping, not sleeping enough or sleeping too long, changing their, you know, their appetite changes. Maybe they're saying they're in pain, just struggling in school.
And one thing this brought out that I think was interesting, it says that young children, so like elementary school children, they want to please the adults in their lives. And one of their worries could be, well, if I don't do well in school, my parents won't, will be upset with me.
Now older children and teens start to become aware that school is important and it's important to their futures. And so their worry might be, oh, gosh, if I don't do well in this class, then I won't be able to do well. And, you know, and what I want to study in college, that sort of thing. So not only can that just be demonstrated with kind of overall anxiety, but they can actually say, have physical complaints. I know here in Devon school District, in the fifth grade, they said, oh, if you want to take, you know, you have to take honors math in the 6th grade, if you want to take calculus your senior year or something like that. And all the kids were like, oh, my gosh. Well, I have to take calculus my senior year. And Devon was really upset about that. And I said, well, if you don't. First of all, you don't need to take calculus. Second of all, if you do need to take calculus for whatever you want to do, just take it in college. Like, who cares if you take it in high school or not? And I think the school was just trying to encourage the kids, but a lot of them were stressed out about it. Okay, next one receives poor reports from the teacher.
I don't know. I found the Devins teachers would bring something up to me. What if they brought it up to me? It was becoming an issue.
So if your teacher brings something up, whether it's behavior or their academics, pay attention, you know, whether it's a behavior thing or an academic thing, say, okay, something's going on. Devon had this kind of trouble in the fifth grade. He was in a class with a few boys who would tease him. You know, they're just kids like that, and he's sensitive. And a few times, he really lashed out at them. And he. Even one kid in particular was persistent with teasing him. And Devin just had enough one day and kind of shoved him into a wall. Devin's not normally an aggressive kid, and he's never been much of a behavior problem. So his teacher, who I just will love forever, said, you know, this is what's going on, and this is what happens. And we talked about ways to help him out, so we're very grateful for her.
Okay, another one receives low grades, especially if your kidde normally gets good grades and they drop. That's kind of the thing. Then. Then maybe they're struggling, and you might just say, oh, you know, so. And my kid is just not working hard. Well, maybe that's the case, but it also could be that they're struggling to adjust.
All right, be a good listener. That's kind of a yeah, no shit kind of thing. But we do need to open our ears, and I think my takeaway from all of this is to give them some grace, because school is hard, no matter who you are. And I think we just need to try to remember what it was like. I remember what it was like to be in the 7th grade. Maybe nothing. Every class I took, I don't remember every friend I had, but I remember the feeling of it. And I just think of insecurity and nervousness and just this constant angst. So hopefully this research was helpful.
Welcome back to 45, left or right podcast.
I want to end with another story of transition from my life. And it was the transition to Davidson.
So recently we visited our alma mater, Davidson College, when we were in North Carolina. And Davidson has just been on my mind. It is a magical place and this is the first time we have been where Devon has actually been interested. Usually he is bored and he doesn't want to hear our stories and it doesn't mean that much to him. But for whatever reason, this year he just, he was really interested. And now he says he wants to go to Davidson. And now we better get saving for college because it's not cheap anymore. So I remember I graduated at high school in 1996 and I had an entire summer at home between graduating high school and then heading out to college.
And I had that whole summer to, like, be excited, but also agonize over leaving home. It's cruel, actually.
And I remember the day finally came that we were going to leave and I was going to head for college. We hitched up the car with my u haul and we headed north on I 95 from Jacksonville to Davidson.
And I don't know why this sticks out, but I remember I was driving and it really bothered me that the speed limit was only 55 and I wanted to drive much faster to get a to Davidson. But I also didn't want to drive faster because I was really nervous about going to college. I just. It was agonizing.
So going from living in my parents house to living 400 miles away at college was completely daunting.
I was excited, I was terrified, I was uncertainty, I was nervous.
All of the feelings, would I like my roommate? How would I do at school? What if I didn't like it? How is this army ROTc thing going to go? What if I couldn't handle the academics? What if I couldn't handle being away from my family? What if I was so homesick that I just had to go home? And I was really unsure about the academics because Davidson had a pretty, pretty hard, like, big reputation for being hard. And it was. It was hard.
And I'm sure that Davidson's freshman orientation was similar to all the other schools. You know, we did bonding activities with our freshman hallmates. Basement. Rich was my freshman hall.
We did fun competitions with other freshman halls, you know, like chubby bunny and relay races and, you know, all that sort of thing.
We were briefed by the school health nurses about safe sex and STD's and mono, anxiety and depression.
I remember we were taught how to give the Heimlich maneuver, and it was this big joke throughout college. They would say, you have to ask the person, are you choking? And then, you know, they said, oh, if you are choking, you have to make the universal sign that I am choking. And that just stuck in our brains. We learned CPR, all of that stuff. I mean, just a whole gamut of things.
At the same time. My parents were getting their own education about the psychological phases that we would go through. Months one through three would be the honeymoon period where we would love everything. And then months three and four, we would be homesick. And then we'd go home for Christmas break and realize that college was our home now or that our friends from high school had changed or, you know, and all of those things were true.
So we had a few days of that, and then we had a final picnic barbecue lunch with our parents. And after that, it was clear that we were supposed to say goodbye and they were supposed to leave. And I knew this was coming, and I knew what this barbecue picnic thing was about.
And I was conflicted because I was sad that I'd have to say goodbye to my parents. I loved them and they also were a source of stability for me. But I also was really excited to go to college. I mean, new friends, friends for being on my own. And because I am a big nerd, I was really excited about my classes.
My mom and I cried and we hugged each other and then they left.
And I went back to my dorm room and I didn't really know what to do.
I got to know my roommate, who I really liked, and I got to know, you know, the other girls in my hall.
Our hot hall counselors helped us adjust. And I learned later that they also learned how to help freshmen transition and all of those things.
And even though I was having a really good time making new friends and settling in just like it was in the 7th grade, I found myself wanting classes to start.
So I had other things to do besides socialize and improve my already, like, pretty put together dorm room. Thanks to my mom, I felt familiar in classes and learning.
I don't remember feeling homesick specifically, but I'm sure I was.
All I remember now is I really loved it. I loved my classes, though. They were really hard. Davidson's got a significant workload and I made some great friends. In fact, I had nine bridesmaids and they were all from college.
And I was lucky that Emily and Claire also happened to go to Davidson. And so they provided this familiarity that was very calming.
But even though I had this great experience at Davidson, the transition was still confusing and anxiety provoking. And I am sure I shed some tears at some point.
I must have blocked it.
Life is full of transitions, though, isn't it?
I'm in transition now. We had a hectic but very nice summer. We did a lot of traveling. We went to Colorado for a week, and then we spent two weeks in Florida, Georgia, and North Carolina. We saw lots of family. We went to the beach and did our favorite tubing down the Ichituckne River. Devin still got to, you know, was interested in collecting lightning bugs in North Carolina, and we had a really nice time. But now we're back home and transitioning to having a 7th grader and we have a new puppy at home. I'm trying to adjust to having her at home with me and then also being able to continue the podcast.
It's been very interesting today. Um, to be honest, I've been trying to record and she is noisy, so she has had a lot of Kong's stuff with treats because I'm like, you have to be quiet right now.
So I'm figuring that out and I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I have learned that if I do nothing walk luna first thing in the morning, I will. I will get nothing done and she will drive me absolutely insane. So right now she's napping. I do have that figured out, fortunately.
So I thank you for listening and coming back to me after having taken several weeks off. And I hope that everyone's kids, whether they are in preschool or going to college, have an easy transition.
Just let them know that you are here for them and remind them that you have been in their shoes too.
Thank you for listening to 45 left or right podcast. Please follow me on Facebook or Instagram for episode highlights and quips or just content from my daily life. And please also check out my website, 45 left or right podcast.com. i have a blog there for more stories about the week's episodes and lots of pictures.
Have a great week and bye for.
