Will You Be My Friend?

[00:00:20] Welcome to episode five of the 45 left to right podcast. [00:00:25] Today's episode is Will youl Be My Friend? We're going to talk about how hard it is to make friends in middle age and why it is so hard. So part one, as usual, is a story from my life. [00:00:48] Jeff and I moved to North Carolina when I left the army in 2007. [00:00:54] We were both 29, and our dogs were our kids. [00:01:02] We knew no one there, really, but we were confident, you know, that we'd be able to make friends easily. And we did. In fact, when we pulled up to our new house, the neighbors living in that cul de sac came over to say hello, as you do in the South. And it turns out we were all around the same age and we had similar interests. One of them even asked, do you drink beer? And of course we did. And that was it. Instant friendship. We had a really fun time with them. It was basically like having a second college experience without the actual studying and going to classes part. We drank, we camped, we watched movies, we hung out at each other's houses. [00:01:58] We had so much fun. [00:02:01] But they were also, you know, they were there. They were among the first to hold Devin when he was born. They helped me through my recovery from addiction. I mean, they were just amazing friends. [00:02:16] But as happens when we moved, we lost touch with them, and that was hard. But they're really important to us during that time. End of our lives in 2014, we moved to Southern California when Jeff got, like, a really good job opportunity. Devin wasn't even two yet, and, I mean, it was a bit scary, but for us, it was going to be a new adventure, a new place, new things to do and see. [00:02:52] And I wasn't really worried about making friends because we always made friends. Throughout the army and then our move to North Carolina, we always made friends. I was going to be staying home with Devin, who, again, was nearly two, and I figured I would meet a nice mom group and I would be all set. [00:03:17] And, I mean, besides a few of Jeff's coworkers, we didn't know one person in Southern California. All of our family is east, mostly, but no one warned us how difficult it is to make friends at age 36. [00:03:39] The first few times that I took Devin to the playground, I, you know, sought out fellow moms, especially those whose kids weren't obnoxious and who Devin seemed to like playing with. [00:03:55] Not one of these moms were receptive to my courting. [00:04:02] And this happened over and over again. [00:04:07] And as I accrued these very subtle Rejections. [00:04:12] I became more and more desperate. [00:04:17] I basically resorted to stalking playground moms. It's like, be my friend. I'm really nice. [00:04:26] I even tried one of those meetup groups, but most of them weren't in my area. And then a lot of them had these really strict attendance rules, like, oh, you haven't been to a meetup in three meetings, so you're stricken from the list. I'm like, good riddance, you know. [00:04:46] Now Jeff had an easier time than I did making friends just because he was with adults all day at work. Most of his friends from work though, didn't have kids, so it wasn't really a match for us as a couple. But I definitely was grateful that he had those friendships. But I was also jealous cause I was so lonely. [00:05:14] When I think back to that time in my life, despite overall, you know, really enjoying that time with Devin, I can like still feel in my heart how lonely I was. I am an extrovert. I need people. I gather strength from socializing. Yet anyone that I vibed with at the playground was closed to new friendships. They were like, I have reached my quota of friends, no more. It was like being in the strictest sorority, but with juice boxes in naps. [00:06:19] Welcome back to 45 left or right podcast. So I'm going to talk about why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? [00:06:32] Why is it in the prime of our lives, why is it so difficult to make friends? We are still young though, we don't always feel that way. [00:06:46] And we should have ample opportunities to meet other adults as we're adulting, whether it is through work or our kids activities, you know, their schools and so on. [00:07:00] But it seems that those very things that should help us make friends are the reasons it is more difficult. [00:07:11] Yes, you might work with people who are near your age, but that doesn't relate to instant compatibility. [00:07:21] And then there is much less time outside of work to hang with your coworkers. You know, Jeff will go out for drinks every every few months with his co workers, but that just isn't enough time to create close friendships. [00:07:40] I know Jeff does not have a lot of time to even make chit chat with his coworkers, although they're all great and having kids. I mean, it does present the opportunity with other adults with similarly aged kids. But not only do you need to have a connection with the parents, but your kids need to get along too. It's a tricky balance though. It wouldn't be my podcast if I did not present some research. So I found a great article by Katherine smith written in January 2022 in the Atlantic, which I consider to have the highest journalistic standards. [00:08:31] It's entitled how to Make New Friends Midlife. And she moved from Brooklyn to Montana. [00:08:41] And she talks about her process on trying to find friends at age 40. [00:08:49] And she quotes a study conducted by Snapchat in 2019 called the Friendship Report. And I'd like to note, I did go to the original source here, to the actual Friendship Report, but it didn't have a lot of applicable information besides what she quoted. So the thing that the Friendship Report said was that the average age we meet our best friends is 21. [00:09:20] So think about it. You are starting your adult life, probably starting a new career or trying to. And so you are bonding over those challenges. And then, you know, you might have new love, first heartbreaks, and then you have time. [00:09:45] But at age 21, you're also becoming more discerning about who you befriend, which is kind of interesting because at middle age, you are also much more selective, but you don't have the benefit of time. So another challenge for us now, I am very lucky because I met my best friends when I was born. [00:10:18] Our mothers took us to the church nursery on Sundays, and then they became friends. And so we would, you know, they would get together and we would play with each other, and obviously we got along really well. [00:10:34] They've been my friends since then. And then I'm really lucky because we went to the same college. And so they were with me when I met Jeff. And they have been there for me through, like, all of the challenges and all of the successes of my adult life so far. [00:10:55] And I know that Claire and Emily listen to this podcast, so know I appreciate your friendship every day. [00:11:07] Now, our author, Catherine, she had to resort to using Bumblebee to make friends, which I did not know that Bumble and then some other dating apps have an option for meeting friends. There's a whole section where you say, I just am looking to make friends, and you match. I had no idea. And she was successful with that. So I think I said, go you. I don't know if I. If I would even think to do that. [00:11:42] Another stat that I have seen often in my research for this episode is that it takes 50 hours to make a friend and 200 hours to make a close friend. That's a lot of hours. [00:12:01] All right, so I'm going to do a little bit of math, and I'd like to say I don't love math because I'm not very good at it, but I do find it very useful. So there are 8,544 hours in a year. [00:12:21] 200 hours is eight days. [00:12:25] So let's assume we try to sleep seven hours a night, which I know is being generous. [00:12:35] We work or are at work about nine hours per day. So that's already 16 hours per day. That is accounted for. So we have eight hours left. [00:12:49] Let's say your kids do a sport that averages out honestly to about one to two hours a day. So you have seven hours a day left. And you still need to eat, dress, maybe do exercise, I don't know, relax, binge, watch something, read a book. And then you've always got to help your kids with their homework and all of their little things. So that does not leave a lot of time. [00:13:24] The second article I looked at is from the Harper's Bazaar and it is written By Matala Shah, August 31, 2023. And it's entitled why Is it so Difficult to Make Friends as an Adult? And she interviewed Dr. Maitri Shand, who is a marriage and family therapist. And what she said is part of it is that by middle age we are more jaded and cautious. [00:13:59] And you know, think about it. We might have had a close friend and something happened. You had some kind of conflict or they turned out to be someone you like, you didn't think they could be or you get ghosted. I mean, we just might have been hurt in the past or I know I am much more self conscious as I get older and so you don't want to be judged. You know, you go to a new baseball team and there's already a clique of baseball moms and you enter, enter the team and they're looking at you and sizing you up. I mean, who wants that? [00:14:48] So one of a good quote from Dr. Shawn is paucity of time is one of the main reasons why it is difficult to make friends as an adult. As we grow older, our lives become more and more busy. Oh, is that true? We have more commitments, work, family and children making it really difficult for us to make time, to give it, to give to a new friendship, invest ourselves, get to know a person and more importantly, allow them to know us. [00:15:29] All of this along with our inability to be vulnerable and trusting a new person in our lives. [00:15:38] I know we really close ourselves off. I know I do sometimes. [00:15:44] Now, if you are a parent though you will most likely be around other parents. You can't just befriend a parent. You have to befriend their kids. And since there isn't a lot of time to hang out without your kids, generally your kids need to get along somewhat. [00:16:07] And it isn't even the case of like one kid's a brat and yours isn't, or your kid is the brat and the other kid isn't. It's just said some kids don't vibe well together. Devin is very extroverted and friendly and relatively easygoing, but he just doesn't get along with everyone, nor should he be expected to. But I have been heartbroken like a couple of times when I've really loved a parent and felt connected to them, but our kids just didn't get along or didn't want to spend time with each other and the friendship just never developed. [00:17:13] Welcome back to 45 left or right podcast. Gonna talk next about why it is important to make friends as an adult. It's not just about companionship or for me, just about not feeling desperately lonely. So this is an article in Psychology Today by Devin Fry November 7, 2022 and is called 12 Ways to Make Friends in Midlife and Beyond. And I promise you, I am not going to bore you with all the 12 ways because as per usual, they're usually not helpful. But here is what's important. [00:17:59] A strong social network reduces the risk of early death by about 45%. [00:18:12] They say that social isolation and loneliness are linked to a higher risk of dementia, heart disease, and depression. [00:18:25] Okay, this one is scary too. As if I haven't scared you enough. Loneliness is as much of a health risk as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or having a substance abuse disorder. [00:18:41] So you really need to make friends. [00:18:46] But it's still hard to do so. So no pressure. [00:18:51] These are all scary statistics. I understand, and you probably didn't need that information to know that it's important to make friends. But I was startled by that. And the research behind it is pretty solid. [00:19:10] They're not selling anything there, but you know, it's we all benefit from friends, and I think even the biggest introvert still can feel lonely and needs companionship. [00:19:28] Now you know how I feel about advice from professionals, especially in something like a 500 word article. [00:19:40] But there are two things I thought were helpful that have helped me. Number one is realize that making friends requires a deliberate effort, which is difficult. Again, when you don't have a lot of time, you don't have a lot of energy, and sometimes there's just someone waiting for you to reach out and say, hey, let's meet for coffee. Or hey, come over to My messy house and you know, let's chat while our kids destroy it. You know, whatever. You have to. Sometimes you have to be the one really reaching out, doing things, just making time for it. [00:20:25] Jeff and I try to trade off on that. You know, if he like, if he wants to go out with his co workers or go out with someone, someone else, I try to really make time for that. And then he really, I'm quite social as you can imagine, but he helps me because he knows I need that. [00:20:45] The second tip is to join a group that meets regularly. [00:20:52] One thing that has helped us is the group that we have joined is the sports that Devin plays. [00:21:02] You are, especially when they're a little younger, you are going to be at that practice for an hour or an hour and a half and what do you know, there's other parents around you that you regularly see. It doesn't always work out. You don't always love the parents. But that is something. Another thing is, you know, like a exercise class. I could, I do jiu jitsu pretty regularly when I am not injured and you know, just making time for that. [00:21:38] So it sounds like really if you look at all of this, it's absolutely imperative that you make friends because look at all of these risks that we didn't know. So I kind of pile on on that and you know, encourage you to make friends for all of our benefit. Right. [00:22:18] Welcome back to 45 left or right podcast. [00:22:22] We're going to have this conclusion here with another story from our lives here. After about a year here in Southern California, I still had not met any friends and I finally met my very first friend. Here we were at one of Jeff's co workers son's birthday parties and I heard a rather loud voice talking amongst the den of a children's party. [00:22:59] She was lamenting the troubles of being a stay at home mom and my ears perked up. I agreed with everything she was saying. Our eyes met, we started talking and we became instant friends. And honestly, she really embraced me. She was like, come over to my house, let's do this, let's do that. She really got everything going and she was like me, she was lonely, she was staying home with her kids and just really looking for a good friend. And oh thank God, she embraced me and she gave me that adult kinship that I desperately, desperately needed. [00:23:46] Now here is a story that always pops up in my brain when I think of Rachel. We took our kids to the beach at Oceanside and the waves were like really fierce and breaking right on the beach and My trusting son, I think he was probably about 4. He was right near the wave break, and this wave came and it swept him off his feet. And I mean, it was taking him out into the ocean. [00:24:20] He thought it was great fun, but of course it was really dangerous. And I froze in just fear and shock. And out of nowhere, Rachel raced to grab him and saved him from getting swept out. [00:24:41] That is the kind of friend she is. Not only did we laugh and share and have a strong friendship on our own, but she would risk herself for my child and I would do the same for hers. And I recognize how very lucky that I am. [00:25:05] And several months later, Jeff and I were at Devin's preschool graduation, which, honestly, I used to not love the whole idea of a preschool graduation, but this place had a whole Hollywood theme. And they had a red carpet and the kids were strutting down the red carpet with their sunglasses on. And I said, yes, I get it, I get it now. All right, so that's an aside. So we were at his graduation and we started talking to a couple with a really cute blonde haired boy named Felix. And Jeff had seen, you know, each of them before, like during pickup and drop off. I hadn't met them because I didn't do that. [00:25:57] And it was, it was just an instant kinship. And it was a couple kinship too. You know, Jeff got along really well with Dave, and we just got along really well. And we were still really desperate to expand our social network. So Karen and I exchanged numbers and I mean, let's face it, the women usually are the ones kind of orchestrating everything. [00:26:28] And eventually they invited us to their annual July 4th party, party of the year. And Karen and Dave, fortunately, already had a group of friends with kids, you know, all around the same age. And we really loved all of them. Again, we had a lot of similar interests and our kids get along. Our kids are all very different from each other, but they still get along really well. You know, we camp together, we ski together, we have parties at each other's houses. You know, basically I put them down for emergency contact numbers. You know, all of that. [00:27:14] Sometimes the women get together for brunch and complain about our husbands, our jobs, sometimes our kids. [00:27:22] And, you know, the men meet for lunch every so often, but you know how that is. They, they again, women have to nudge them a little bit when they do meet. [00:27:33] I do think that men struggle more than women, but that is for another episode. [00:27:39] Now, once Devin started playing sports, we met more parents. And of course, Devin already got along with their kids. Because they were teammates and baseball is where we met almost all of our friends here in Yucaipa. One of my closest friends here is a fellow baseball mom. She is kind of a send reels without explanation or context. Don't have to edit my text to her come over when my house is messy kind of friend. We meet regularly for our mom dates. You'll hear from her actually on a later episode. [00:28:24] Now I acknowledge that we are very lucky in meeting these friends. I mean I'm grateful every day, but we also had to put in the work. So my encouragement to you is gather those phone numbers and be the first one to send the text. [00:28:51] Go out places. Enroll your kids in activities that require the parents to sit and watch. It gets boring and you will talk to other parents. [00:29:05] I think also the thing to remember especially when you have children as you have needs too and the need for friendship is a big one. So try to make it a priority. [00:29:23] Apparently you will die sooner if you don't. [00:29:28] No pressure again. But seriously, you know, sometimes you got to make the first move and I encourage you to do that. [00:29:41] Thank you so much for listening to another episode of the 45 left or right podcast. I am truly grateful. And if you are listening to this on a podcast app that allows you to rate review subscribe, I would really appreciate it. But also please share this podcast with someone you think you know might enjoy it. I'm trying to expand my customer base or audience base I guess. So thank you. So I just want to leave you with this. Also. [00:30:22] One thing that I learned from having so much trouble making friends to begin with is I will never close myself off to a friend like the playground moms did to me. You know, they missed out on a Darice friendship. So my advice is just don't close yourself off to friends. [00:30:52] Don't allow yourself to miss out on a great friendship. Again, thank you so much for listening and bye for now.