Nachos

[00:00:34] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to the 45 left or right podcast, episode one. My name is Doris Smith. I am 45 years old. I spent seven years in the army as a helicopter pilot. I flew reconnaissance in attack helicopter called the OH 58 Delta Kiowa warrior. I spent one year in Iraq from 2005 to 2006, which was a particularly active year. I've been married to my husband Jeff for almost 22 years and we have an eleven year old son named Devin who is awesome. So currently we live in Southern California and if you have not lived here, I don't want to hear any crap about it. We love it. But I grew up in Florida and then because of the army we've lived in Alabama, northern New York, North Carolina, and of course now in Southern California. I have two bachelor's degrees, one in English and one in literary journalism. And I actually do also have an MBA that I got when I was in the army, but they have lost their accreditation, the university, so I don't really count it, it doesn't go on my resume. So I'm a trained journalist and basically, especially since COVID the type of journalism that I want to do has changed and I haven't quite figured it out yet. So this podcast is kind of a, you know, segue into more opportunity, but also and, you know, hopefully some creative expression. So I want to talk about the name of the podcast, 45, left or right, and what that means. Of course the, the number 45, middle age, that's obvious, but it's actually a helicopter reference as well as a reference to middle age in a helicopter. A 45 degree bank. Left or right is pretty extreme, but doable and you're going to feel a lot of g forces, so a lot of pressure. So that of course is just like middle age. You're in the trenches of law life. You're, you know, most likely a parent. You're, you know, married or in a maybe a long term relationship. You have friendships you're trying to balance, probably have a career that you're trying to make work. I mean, you are being pulled in all kinds of directions and it's stressful and full of pressure. This podcast going, to be honest with you, I'm not sure what it's going to be about. I want to take stories from my life and I've lived, I've had, I've had a good life. So a bit of a memoir and I want to use those stories to come up with topics that apply to my audience. You know, being a woman in America, being a wife and a mother, all that comes with that. And all that comes with middle age, all of the extra aches and pains, the pressure of raising good humans when they might be fighting you on that some days, and then helping your kids, you know, navigate childhood and adolescence. I mean, there's a lot going on. So, as a journalist, I have done a lot of writing in mental health. I've published some articles about ketamine used for treatment resistant depression, but I've also written about parenthood, about the military, and some of my military experiences. And then I've also written some random things, like, I've written about the flat earth community, and like, different other conspiracy theories. I've written about jiu jitsu. Cause that is something I'm very passionate about. So this podcast, hopefully, is gonna have a lot of humor, but also seriousness. I wanna talk about mental health and maybe do some mental health checks, and, you know, there's gonna be a lot of different topics, so I hope you hang on with me. And once I figure out how to do interviews with good quality, I'll have some interviews as well. So I appreciate you tuning in and hope you enjoy this episode. First story I want to tell is one that I call nachos. It was my first flight as pilot in command in Fort Rucker, Alabama, and I realized that I had zoned out. Now, you know how you're driving down the road and you have a good podcast on, or are listening to a good audiobook, or just talking to a friend, and you realize I missed my exit, or, hmm, how did I actually get here? Well, that happened to me that day, and my low fuel light blinked on. Now, it's not like in your car, or at least cars these days, where it tells you, oh, you have approximately 50 miles until you're going to run out of gas. You're actually supposed to complete a fuel consumption check to determine that. And I had asked her to do that, and she had not done it. So we were lost and didn't know really at all how much fuel we had left. So the first thing I needed to do was find out where we were. So I radioed the nearest air traffic control, and when you do that, they tell you where you are. They give you an idea. So I discovered we weren't that far away from Troy, Alabama, which is where we were going to get anyway. But I still had a decision to make. Do I turn around and head to Troy with the risk of running out of fuel, or do I land in a field wisely and radio for help so we can get some gas? Well, being 23 and knowing everything. And also being, you know, pretty arrogant that I just graduated from flight school and, you know, look at me. I'm a helicopter pilot. I decided to take my chances and fly to Troy. Now, I am sure I did not consult my co pilot much on this because she really pissed me off for not doing a fuel check. And so I took the controls, and I just white knuckled it back to Troy, hoping that I would make it. Well, fortunately, we made it back to Troy no problem, got refueled and took a break because I was just shaking with relief and anger and, you know, still just feeling kind of getting over my nerves for actually making it and not having to auto rotate or do an emergency landing. Well, here's the thing about Troy. One of the reasons you fly to Troy to refuel is because they have really good nachos. Now, you basically, all of the refueling areas around Fort Rucker usually provide some kind of food to entice you to go refuel there. You know, they make lots of money, government money, if you refuel. So that one place had pulled pork, one place had popcorn, and Troy had nachos. Now, there wasn't anything special about these nachos. It was your typical processed orange congealed cheese over your typical tortilla chips, and then just your canned pickled jalapenos. But to me, not only was this a comfortable food, still is, actually. But I was a 23 year old second lieutenant with $40,000 of student loan debt and also a lot of credit card debt. So, for me, those nachos were also a meal. They were probably my dinner. So, as you can tell, those nachos were quite memorable for me for many ways. And, you know, the comfort and just having a meal that was really important to me at that time. [00:10:42] Speaker B: Saving. [00:11:08] Speaker A: I was in that helicopter, lost, seeking solace from nachos because of a decision that I made when I was 17 years old. That was the year when I decided where I would go to college. You know, when you're 17, you're transitioning into adulthood, and you have to make some big decisions, and, of course, you know everything, and no one can tell you what to do. Your parents definitely don't know anything. And I had gone to a very nice college, prep school, which I had a wonderful experience at, and I'm very grateful for the big bucks that my parents spent to send me there. But, you know, there was pressure to go to college. That's why you went to a really nice, competitive college prep school. And I know for some people, college is not the best choice for them, but it really was for me, it was a good choice. So we went on college trips all around the south. I think I visited Wake Forest, University of Richmond, let's see, Washington and Lee, you know, kind of all those smaller liberal arts kind of schools. And I also visited Davidson and then I also actually visited West Point. So I went on all of these college trips and I narrowed it down to two different, very different schools, Davidson and West Point. Now, the thing with West Point is you endure your four years there, your freshman year is like absolute hell. You're hazed the entire time. In order to even be considered to get in there, you have to get a recommendation from a congressman or a senator. And I went on all of these interviews and then learned, really, it's all rigged and you have to have a connection to get one. Fortunately, my dad did have one, so I was able to get recommendation from a congressman or congresswoman in my area. So it's really stressful. So why would that even be on my list for consideration? For one, it's very prestigious. I don't even have to say the full name of the school to know what it is. West Point. The United States Military Academy at West Point Point. And it's completely free. And actually, I think you get paid a small stipend to go there. And when you get out, you have a very good education and you're commissioned into the army as a second lieutenant. You're an officer, you are required to serve four years of active duty. But that's pretty good deal, right? So the second choice was completely different than West Point. It was Davidson College, which is a lovely, small, quaint liberal arts school. And it's just north of Charlotte, North Carolina. So it's in a nice area. It's free, but not free. Intuition. At the time, Davidson, I think, was like 30,000 a year. And I looked it up recently, like, to research for the podcast. It's $83,000 a year now. They do have a really good endowment and better financial aid, but still, it's like. And my parents had sent me and my brother, you know, to private schools from k through twelve. So there was no money left for college, which I didn't really know at the time, but I eventually learned that, well, you know, who has college money? The United States Army. I actually ended up getting a scholarship that paid for about half of my Davidson education. And, you know, I got a wonderful education. I really thrived there. And, you know, I'd get a commission as a second lieutenant, but I also graduated with $40,000 in debt, plus credit card debt. So, as you can tell from how I talked about it, I chose freedom. I chose debt. I chose seven years in the army. I chose the biggest argument I've ever had with my dad. I chose war, even though I didn't know it at the time. I chose five different back surgeries. I chose a year away from my husband. I chose PTSD, but I also chose lifelong confidence. I chose getting to fly helicopters. I chose a bachelor's degree in English, and then later a bachelor's in literary journalism. And I chose a future husband. Now, I chose a lot of future internal conflict, even though, you know, there's no way I would have known that then. We were still five years from 911, and at that point in my life, you know, everything had been peachy. Why would I expect things to go wrong or not run smoothly? So let's talk about some science. Our brains at 17, when we're 17, 1819, we feel so grown up, but we're still actually considered adolescents. According to the World Health Organization and a lot of other accepted research, the age range for adolescents is between ten and 19, which means that my eleven year old son is already an adolescent. But that does explain the eye rolls. He's. He's definitely mastered that here. As we get closer to twelve, the rational part of a teen's brain is not even developed until they are 25. So at age 23, flying around in a helicopter, my rational brain was not even developed, which is crazy. I always wondered what the heck the army was thinking letting me fly a helicopter. Adults think more with the rational brain, the prefrontal cortex. Adults can determine long term consequences. Like, if I join the army, I might go to war one day. If I choose this college, how much debt will I be in? Will I ever be able to pay it back? If I made that decision later, at, like, age 25 or 26, honestly, I probably would have chosen the University of Florida, because it would have been free for me. It would have been in range of my parents. You know, there'd be a lot of options there for me. I do not think any rational adult would actually choose West Point, no way. Adolescents, on the other hand, they think more with their emotional side, which is the amygdala. Now, I have heard, and actually, I have said this before, that women's brains develop faster than men's. But I didn't actually find a lot of legit research to support that. I would think it'd be hard to measure, actually. Now, in my anecdotal experience, I would say, yes, absolutely. Women mature faster than men, no doubt. I remember being, yeah, probably about twelve or so. And I asked my mom, I was like, mom, when do these boys mature? And she said, and a very uncharacteristic sarcasm, they never mature and some of them don't, but some of them do. I have eleven year old boy now. And I mean his, he and his friends are absolutely nuts. And as they get together, their brain cells collectively lower. They cannot keep their hands off of each other. They run around like crazy. They just jump around. They come up with the just most idiotic things to do. I feel sorry for the girls that are their age. And the crazy thing is at this age and it's about to shift for him, they don't even consider what girls do. I asked my son once, I think it was last year, I said, well, what do the girls do at recess? Because he's always talking about, I'm playing kickball, I'm playing football. And he doesn't mention any girls doing that. And he looked at me like he had never even thought about it. And he said, I don't know, they do boring stuff. Okay? But as much as I think these boys are insane, I, I love being a boy mom, so I'm nearly not complaining. So as an adult, we're kind of boring. We're very logical and we view emotional thinking as reckless. And adolescents make these riskier decisions, but that's because their brain regions that are more developed and more involved are, you know, basically going with rewards as their motivators. And again, as adults, you think, oh, that's terrible, that's so reckless. But it's actually is a good thing at that time in their lives because they make these riskier decisions which lead to activities or decisions that give them skills for adulthood. And, you know, I have some damage according or just because of my time in the army, but I learned a lot of skills and I got a lot out of it. I had immense responsibilities at a very young age, you know, from age 23 to almost 30. I was put in charge of millions of dollars worth equipment. I was put in charge of, you know, dozens of soldiers. I deployed to war and was responsible for the safety of my soldiers. I mean, just immense responsibility. So I got a lot of skills out of it, I got a lot of confidence out of it. And honestly, sometimes I think, like, what was the army thinking? Like what are they, what are they doing putting these youngsters in charge of all those things? But you know, the army as an institution has been around for a very long time, and generally the system works. I have been asked many times over the years, why did I decide to go to Davidson? It's delightful. There are green trees everywhere, lush grass. It's very peaceful. It's this cute little town 30 miles north of Charlotte. Charlotte's a great town. Jeff and I actually lived there for six years after I left the army. It's a great environment for learning. It has this living and breathing honor code. It's so strong that people do not cheat that you have self scheduled exams. So you just decide what exam you're going to take on what day, and you go into the main academic building. You pick up your exam, you sit down somewhere, you take your exam. No proctors. You just. You just don't. Nobody cheats. It's great. You can design your own major there if you want. You have professors who just love to teach. And it's one of the top ten best liberal arts colleges in the country, so it has a good reputation, at least in the south. Steph Curry graduated from Davidson. It's a really special place. And all of that was great, but the reason I chose it is I just had a feeling. I just felt good there. It felt right. That was it. That was how I made my decision. And if I had not made, like, if I had only used adult logic, picked another school, I never would have met Jeff, my husband. And not to sound too corny, but he's the best thing that ever happened to me. Of course, Devin is also. But there is no Devin without a Jeff. And think about it. If we only used our rational brain, would we ever pair up with anybody? Would we ever even go on a date? Would we ever get married? Because there's so much emotion involved in, you know, in love and romance and making these kind of decisions. Now, when I first met Jeff, I just. I noticed him. We were. We would cross paths going to and from class. He was coming from his 830 class. He's a psycho. Waking up that early in college. And I was going to my 930 class, and I just noticed him. He's super cute, and he would just. He would nod and say hello. And I just thought that was very polite and gentlemanly. And so I just, you know, noticed him. And then the next semester, I saw him at a frat party, and I remember seeing him in the corner, and I just felt the urge to go say hello, like, this is my chance. And I completely abandoned my friends, which I said I wasn't gonna do, but I just. I just felt like I need to go meet this guy. And we talked. I don't know how long we talked for, but it was a long time. And I just was so excited when. When, you know, I left the frat party, and I was so excited. I called my parents at, like, 02:00 a.m. just because I was so excited, and I wanted to tell them I had met this great guy, and I I didn't. I know. I didn't think or I didn't say, oh, this is the man I'm gonna marry. I just was excited, and my emotions were, you know, in control at that point. So from then on, I kind of lightly stalked Jeff. I wanted to run into him again, and so I would, like, dispatch my friends to go find him, and then they would come back and report to me, and then I would, you know, go see if I could bump into him. Oh. Oh, hello. What. What are you doing at the gym or whatever? And we actually ended up becoming good friends. He had a long distance girlfriend from high school, so he was, you know, still into her. But I knew, like, if I stayed around long enough, I, you know, they would break up, and I could swoop in, and that's exactly what happened. They broke up, and I was that shoulder for him to cry on. Oh, I'm so sorry. And so, you know, a few months later, we started dating, and he's talked. We talk about this every so often, and I just say, I won, you know, I won. I got you. I won. You know, on this podcast about generally being a middle aged woman in motherhood, I was not going to open talking about a guy, but he's important to me, and my life is intertwined with his, and he made me a mother, so I gotta mention him. So for probably a couple of years, many of my friends have urged me to start a podcast, and my adult brain did not see the value in it. I wasn't gonna make any money off of it. And, you know, I'd gone to school for journalism, and this wasn't journalistic enough. But the biggest holdback, really, for me was, well, what if I fail? What if it doesn't do well? What if I don't have anybody listening to me? What if someone is like, wow, that's really boring. And though those things would still bother me, I'm like, what the heck? Let's give it a try. Let's do it. My friends have good sense, you know, I'll give it a try. So all of these, you know, all of these decisions, like, it might seem backwards for us to make all these big decisions when we're young. But these risks can lead to really wonderful things. And with this pot, with this episode, I was sort of thinking I was going to reach a different conclusion and just say blanket. Oh, how crazy is it that you make all these decisions when you're so young? And it is crazy, but it's important, too. Me, right now, as a 45 year old woman, I absolutely overthink every single decision that I make. My latest Amazon purchase, I got a cold plunge tub. I do the crazy cold plunging. And I needed a new tub because my first one broke. And I don't know, I'm sure this is something most people don't research, but there are dozens of options out there for just a cold plunge, inflatable tub. And I, I probably spent two days searching for the right one. Does it have this drain plug? Does it, you know, how much water does it hold? Just blah, blah, blah, blah. They're all the same. They are all the same tub. And so eventually I said, all right, forget it. This one looks good. Just bought it. But it should not have had to take that long for me to decide on something. And I think that 17 year old dries. You know, I would have looked at a couple. I've always been careful, but I would have decided quickly. I would have realized they're all the same and just picked one, probably picked one that looked pretty or something like that. Of course, when I was 17, Amazon was just a new e commerce idea that sold books. So I realize I'm not comparing same to same, but you get the idea. So I want to make the conclusion that there is value in both in emotional thinking and logical, rational thinking. But in middle age, I think largely, and I can say I feel this way, you start feeling stuck and we're reevaluating our lives, looking back, looking at maybe things that we regret or things that we haven't done yet that we still cannot believe we haven't done. So my encouragement to you is make a risky decision. You know, start the podcast, write the book, start taking tap dancing classes. You know, take your family on a trip that you've been putting off, nag your husband to take, to decide to finally take that trip that you've been putting off, you know, buy the first potato peeler that you see on Amazon, the first cold plunge tube. Let's stop being so freaking rational and start putting some emotion in there. Thank you so much for listening to episode one of 45 left or right podcast. Now, normally, I don't like to end things with a quote because it's kind of pedestrian. But this one's really good. So. And I don't have a better sign off right now, so here it is. People may call what happens at midlife a crisis, but it's not. It's an unraveling, a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're supposed to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are. This is by Brene Brown. So that is what I leave you with. Embrace who you are and what you actually want to do. And, you know, there's a lot to life. And we're not done yet, so let's go. All right. Bye for now.