[00:00:22] Speaker A: Welcome to 45. Left to right, podcast, episode ten, the pull of motherhood part two.
Today we're gonna talk about what it is like to be a stay at home mom. I'm gonna interview my other best friend for life who has been a stay at home mom for, wow, like 14 years. And buckle up because I have a lot of thoughts on what it is like to be a stay at home mom because I have been one also for several years.
I was a helicopter pilot in the army for seven years. I served in Iraq for one year. I have worked high pressure sales, telephone, customer service. I've done stand up comedy shows at dive bars at 01:00 a.m. But there is no other job I have ever had that was more difficult than being a stay at home mom. And I truly mean that. Not meant for exaggeration.
Some people assert that staying at home with your kids is not a job. You're right, it isn't a job because that assumes that one is paid.
Let me tell you a story that illustrates what it's like to be a stay at home mom. We had just lived or just moved to southern California from North Carolina, and we were living in a nice little rental home. Devin was probably two or three years old. It was early, before any of us, you know, were out of our pajamas and curious George was on in the background.
I had to grab something really quickly out of the car that was parked in the driveway. I was wearing a t shirt and athletic shorts and no bra.
The door shut behind me and I heard a click and little Devin toddler laughter.
Devin had locked me out of the house and he couldn't or wouldn't let me back in the house. So I had a rambunctious little toddler alone in my house, an elderly dog and a cat that was hiding somewhere. So I was a little bit panicked. I look out and there's my neighbor, a retired older gentleman, and he is laughing at me. I looked out to find help and I was met with laughter.
He was a nice man, just not particularly helpful to me at that time.
Fortunately, my dear husband had just recently hit a key in the backyard, so I was able to let myself in, but it felt really lonely out there.
Me against my toddler.
You look for help and they laugh because they think you have plenty of time to do it yourself.
That loneliness that I felt in that moment is generally how you can feel when you're a stay at home mom. You want all the best for your children, and you love your children, but they are also little slave drivers. They need food. They need enrichment. They need education.
They need rides to see their friends and do outside activities. And then there is usually the expectation for you to keep up the housework, cleaning, laundry, etcetera, and, of course, cooking.
So my guest today not only does all of this, but she also homeschools her four children and has for several years.
She is a superhero. She is Claire Lamp Ewell, who is my best friend for life. I interviewed her identical twin, Emily, last week about being a working mom. She is very intelligent, thoughtful, and a kind person, and I am honored to have known her my whole life.
[00:05:12] Speaker B: So starting the interview, tell me, who are you and how do we know each other?
[00:05:21] Speaker C: Well, my name is Claire, and I am a mom and a homeschool mom.
[00:05:33] Speaker B: And.
[00:05:36] Speaker C: Live in South Carolina currently, which I love.
And I met Doris when we were itty bitty.
My recollection is of a picture of when we were about two years old at church. We had these Easter bonnets on. Really cute.
And we've been best friends ever since. Have a lot of history. And she's like my sister from another mother.
[00:06:10] Speaker B: That's right.
That. That picture your mom brought out when Jet, when she met Jeff for the first time. And I was like, oh, no.
But he liked it. So that was happy in that picture.
[00:06:27] Speaker C: I was like, what? My mom's making me wear this thing, but it's cute.
[00:06:34] Speaker B: All right, so tell me, who are your kids and how old are they?
[00:06:41] Speaker C: Okay. I have four kids.
David, Emily, Ruth, and Esther. And David's 14.
Emily is twelve, Ruth is ten, and Esther just turned eight.
[00:07:00] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:07:01] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:03] Speaker B: I remember when Davey was born.
[00:07:06] Speaker C: Yep. Yeah. You. You gave him a very special gift.
I can't remember the name, but it was a dragon stuffed animal, and he used to. He loved it.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, I think we called him okie dokie or something.
[00:07:24] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember.
[00:07:27] Speaker C: He was very cute.
[00:07:30] Speaker B: I love it.
[00:07:32] Speaker C: Let me know if I fail to answer your question, because my mind is not quite.
[00:07:38] Speaker B: You're doing fine. Yes. I think he hit them, all the kids.
Well, tell me a little bit about what are your kids personalities like?
[00:07:54] Speaker C: I would say David is very assertive.
He's conscientious and concerned about doing the right thing.
I mean, he's got a pretty good sense of humor.
I'm enjoying seeing him go through this transition phase into a man.
Emmy is very sweet tempered and mild mannered.
She's a lot like her namesake, my sister Emily.
And she also has a good sense of humor. It's a different kind of sense of humor from Davies. It's a, it's a muted. She's very observant.
Ruth is.
[00:09:00] Speaker B: She is.
[00:09:04] Speaker C: Full of life.
She is outspoken, and she feels things very deeply.
And she will let you know when she's really happy, and she'll let you know when she's really unhappy.
And, yeah, she's a fun person to be around, actually. They all are.
And then Esther likes to play jokes on people and be silly.
And she's a, she's a big hugger. She likes to hug people and show, show affection.
[00:09:55] Speaker B: I'm a hugger also, so I like that. Although I'm beginning to realize that introverts sometimes don't like hug, so I gotta, like, rein in my extrovertness.
[00:10:09] Speaker C: I would say, speaking as an introvert, that introverts like hugs from people they know well, okay.
[00:10:18] Speaker B: Yeah, I usually just feel them out. I'm like, they're looking.
But then sometimes I, you know, we've talked about before, extroverts, you know, need introverts, and introverts need extroverts. And so sometimes. So a lot of my friends are introverts, and sometimes I'm like, wait, are you the introvert that doesn't like hugs?
[00:10:40] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: I default to hug.
[00:10:46] Speaker C: I like hugs. But if it's not somebody I know very well that it is just awkward.
[00:10:50] Speaker B: They'Re like, I don't think so.
Talking about Ruthie.
I mean, they're different, but Devin is a big dealer also. Yeah.
[00:11:06] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:11:06] Speaker B: Big emotion, you know, happy, joyful, mostly. But when he is mad, you know it. And when he's, like, upset, you know it, you know? Yes, big time.
[00:11:24] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:11:25] Speaker B: Yeah. But generally, he's very, he's generally easygoing, but he has big emotions.
[00:11:32] Speaker C: Yeah. So sometimes I feel like Ruthie, I could learn a lot from her because she will express what's on her mind. And, you know, I mean, that can be a good thing and that can be a not so good thing. But sometimes I wish I were a little braver to be able to express what's on my mind in a kind way, but.
[00:11:54] Speaker B: Right, right. Something you got to teach them, right. How to. How to be a little gentler with their expressions or feeling. But I know. And I mean, I think that's why Devon threw the apple, because he was just like, enough.
It's my boundary, and you can't pick on me anymore.
[00:12:18] Speaker C: Yeah. And he made it clear.
[00:12:21] Speaker B: He made it clear. And that kid apologized to him after that, so hasn't messed with them since. They're not like friends, you know?
[00:12:30] Speaker C: Yeah. But they just have an understanding.
[00:12:32] Speaker B: Yeah. Devin's like, don't mess with me. And he's like, a lot.
All right, so.
So how long have you been a stay at home mother, and then how many years have you homeschooled your kids?
[00:12:49] Speaker C: So I've. I mean, I've been a stay at home mom since Davey was born, so 14 plus almost 15 years, and then homeschooling mom since he was five.
So what's that, 910 years?
[00:13:09] Speaker B: Right.
[00:13:10] Speaker C: Let me do my. My simple math.
[00:13:14] Speaker B: I don't do math.
Wow. That's amazing. Well, I mean, how has that experience been for you overall, both staying at home and then, you know, homeschooling? That's an additional thing, really, the homeschooling.
[00:13:31] Speaker C: Yeah.
I mean, I love being a mom. I love being able to be at home with my kids.
I think it has. It's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.
I think a lot of it is.
You don't necessarily see the outcome in the short term. I mean, those days can be very hard. And I remember when the kids were really little, and I couldn't converse with them much except for very simple sentences and teaching them how to do things.
It could be really lonely.
And I think most moms probably would say that just being home with their infants and then toddlers, how lonely that can be. We actually spent a lot of time.
[00:14:29] Speaker B: At Chick fil a. Yeah.
[00:14:34] Speaker C: Once, you know, once Davey got into preschool, so he did. He and Emmy and Ruthie, to some extent, they all went to a church preschool, so that was their introduction to school, really. And then in kindergarten, we started homeschooling.
But that was great because then they met kids and play with kids, and I met some moms, and we would do things together, so that made it less lonely. And then we had our church groups and things like that as well.
As far as homeschooling, that also has been much harder than I ever thought it would be because I thought I went to school. I even have a teaching certificate. Can't be that bad. But I've learned that you have to put a lot more thought into homeschooling than I. Than I realized. And not being a particularly organized person, it's been a challenge for me, and it's really just within the last few years that I begun to enjoy it.
The homeschool group that we're a part.
[00:15:51] Speaker A: Of.
[00:15:54] Speaker C: Is, well, it's. It's socially very meaningful. I mean, that's where many, many of our friends are. So it's a, it's a great community, but also, I just love what they're learning, and especially once they get into the middle school years, it's just, I mean, they're, they're doing Latin now and a lot of literature and learning how to write. And so it's actually kind of fun and interesting to me.
That said, you know, I look back on the early years and wish I could do them over again and do them better, but, you know, life was what it was at the time, and I can only do that and trust God for the outcome.
[00:16:42] Speaker B: Right? Yeah, I know.
For the, for the record, for my podcast, Claire also has a master's in linguistics from Unc Chapel Hill. Right?
Yes.
Very, very, very smart mom and woman.
I know. I remember, you know, when I stayed home with Devin for his first five years, it was so lonely. I mean, oh, my gosh, you know, I, I talked about this in previous episode. I was stalking playground blonde.
[00:17:24] Speaker C: Yes, please.
[00:17:26] Speaker B: Because I was, you know, we were in a new state and we didn't know anybody here. And you have this little being that you adore and love, but you cannot talk to them really, you know, and then you don't have, it's hard to find a mom community because I feel like in a way, you're all just kind of trapped in your homes for a while. I mean, you go out, obviously, but, you know, again, at chick fil a, you can't be like, oh, hi, you.
[00:18:01] Speaker C: Can'T stay there indefinitely.
[00:18:02] Speaker B: You can't. I mean, you could. They won't kick you out, but they're.
[00:18:07] Speaker C: Very generous with their space and your time.
[00:18:09] Speaker B: Exactly. But it's hard, you know, I think.
[00:18:14] Speaker C: Growing up, at least for me, you know, I saw my mom, but I didn't, I didn't realize how much she did, and I didn't know how hard it was.
[00:18:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:23] Speaker C: And then you're, you're relating to these personalities that are growing and changing, and some of them don't line up with your personality. So you have to learn how to manage someone who's very different.
[00:18:36] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:36] Speaker C: And I don't know. It's just a lot harder than I would have ever thought.
[00:18:42] Speaker B: Yeah, I know. I look back at that time and I cherish it, but I also, like, I feel this sense of exhaustion and loneliness is like, the biggest thing. And, you know, Jeff would go, I know, I know. But you get out of it, you know, as your kids get older, I think you.
[00:19:04] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
[00:19:05] Speaker B: You form our friends and mom friends who, it's like you're all coming out of the shadows. Yeah. Here we are. Hi.
[00:19:16] Speaker C: I think that has been a benefit with the homeschooling community is that you kind of realize that you're in this. In this boat together and, you know, just like the baseball moms or, you know, that you interact with. So you have these separate lives, but you realize you're going through many of the same experiences, and I think that's helpful.
[00:19:40] Speaker B: Yeah, it is.
[00:19:41] Speaker C: It is.
[00:19:42] Speaker B: And I always, you know, I've kind of done both working, although sort of more freelance, so I've always had flexibility, but I was always kind of jealous of my friends who left the home and went to work because they had a separate identity and purpose from their children.
[00:20:05] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:20:05] Speaker B: You know, had, like, adult interaction, and then they could go home and, you know, and I know they're tired. I know there's awful hard things, you know, but we had that separation when you don't have that when you're at home with your kids.
[00:20:21] Speaker C: Yeah. I think it's, um.
You go through so many different emotions.
[00:20:27] Speaker B: Yeah. There's no doubt I would be jealous of Jeff when he came home. I like to go to work all day.
[00:20:34] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:20:35] Speaker B: And he would be like, oh, you know, come in, like, hi, how was your day? And I was just. I'm so tired.
Yeah.
[00:20:46] Speaker C: And again, you know, it's not a comment on your children. You love your children, but I think it's okay to recognize. Yeah, this is a hard job.
[00:20:52] Speaker B: It's exhausting. Yeah, it is exhausting. No, I love. Obviously, we love our children. They're amazing. But they can also make you tired, for sure.
So we've kind of touched on this, but. Well, let me go back. So now that your kids are older, what sort of activities do they do, you know, outside of home? And I know they do. And I guess outside of homeschooling as well.
[00:21:26] Speaker C: Yeah.
Well, so we do meet with that homeschool group once, once a week, although the year is winding down for that, so that'll end next week. Actually, Davey does some sports. He does jiu jitsu regularly, and he has for years, so he does that a few times a week. And then he also plays sports through the YMCA, so soccer and flag football, which he's. He's loved and have been great for him. And there's the YMCA here, at least. I don't know how it is there. It's. It's really low stress. Like, it's six weeks of a game once a week and a practice, you know, once or twice a week. So it's not. It's not too much of a commitment. I just wouldn't have had time to do that.
And Emmy does choir, and Ruthie's just started piano. And then we're. We're pretty involved with church activities, like, well, on the weekend, and then as the kids get older, with the youth group and that kind of thing.
But it's. It's a good bit of coming and going. But I would say we.
I know other homeschooling families who do a whole lot more outside activities than we've done.
[00:22:55] Speaker B: They probably have a pretty good balance, you know?
You know, I know it's.
Sometimes I'm like, why are we doing all these sports for Devin? But we just make sure it's driven by him, you know?
[00:23:10] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. I remember you talking about that and how he was telling you, you know, this is kind of what I want to do in the summer.
[00:23:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:20] Speaker C: Yeah. I thought that was neat.
[00:23:21] Speaker B: Yeah, he's pretty good about things, you know, that saying, okay, this is too much for me, or, I need a break here. Which really surprised me because he's got a very all out personality.
Yeah. Wants to do everything.
[00:23:38] Speaker C: He's social.
[00:23:40] Speaker B: He's social, he's active. He's like, must move all times.
But we appreciated that. He was like, I don't want to do anything in the summer, but. Well, anything organized.
[00:23:53] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. That's good that he feels like he can tell you that.
[00:23:57] Speaker B: Kind of amazing, actually.
So what does at this time, what does a typical day look like for you?
I mean, for the record, she made a funny face.
[00:24:21] Speaker C: Theresa, I feel like I'm every year trying to learn how to do this better, so. But life is a little chaotic right now. I'll just say that. So, I mean, we wake up not extremely early, I'll say that. So that is one of the beauty of homeschooling, is that you don't have to get up early.
However, I will say sometimes that's difficult. Sometimes it would be nice to have that school schedule where every morning we're getting up at the same time and going.
So it's really.
We get up. And usually the older kids do get started with their schoolwork, and they. They have a weekly meeting, and they're expected to have certain assignments done so that they can participate in the class. So they know, you know, week to week, what it is they're supposed to be working on. And I just kind of remind them and help them with the things that they need help on.
The younger kids I will read with or just be available for math questions, but I would say that most days are a little bit, they fluctuate. You know, if I've got errands to run or something, then sometimes we'll all do that together.
I know that's not a real clear answer, but.
[00:26:04] Speaker B: No, it is.
[00:26:06] Speaker C: There's just a lot going on in life right now.
[00:26:08] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I know.
Sometimes I've. I've wondered, like, you know, we have a very structured day. You know, Devin has to be at school by eight and school till about 230, and he's home by 245 and, you know, pretty structured.
But, you know, sometimes I'm like, why do I have to wake up? I'm not going to school.
[00:26:37] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:26:40] Speaker B: But I do.
[00:26:41] Speaker C: I think it's a good, it's a good pattern to be in. That's one of those things that I thought, you know, we really need to get in a better morning pattern. But it.
I'd say the older kids are doing better about that.
I just need to make it a family wide thing.
[00:27:02] Speaker B: Whatever works for you.
[00:27:05] Speaker C: I'm trusting that they'll come out all right.
[00:27:08] Speaker B: They will. They will. They're wonderful.
Well, what would you say is the biggest challenge you face as a stay at home mom?
[00:27:25] Speaker C: I guess I'm not. I'm not great at multitasking. I would say so. I think, especially with homeschooling, trying to keep that going and keeping a household going, like the meals made at reasonable times, things cleaned up and laundry done. And that's a real challenge for me. It's like, I can do one thing well, but I can't do all of that well, right?
[00:28:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:28:02] Speaker C: So that's probably the hardest.
That's probably the hardest thing for me.
But, I mean, ultimately, I want my kids to know that they are loved and that they're valuable and that God's given them different gifts and that we want to use. We want to use them to glorify him and all those personalities that they've given him, that he's given them. You know, I just want to help them grow to be whatever they're supposed to be.
So, you know, I.
Well, you know this. I've never been a great housekeeper, but if I have to sacrifice that to helping my children grow into healthy, productive people, then I'll do that and I'll apologize to them when they're old and say, you know what? I'm sorry our house was always messy. But.
[00:29:11] Speaker B: You know, I think your priorities are in order.
[00:29:17] Speaker C: There are lots of ways I need to learn and grow, and lord willing, I will. But, yeah, I can't do it all at once, so.
[00:29:25] Speaker B: Yeah, I don't think. I don't know. I don't think that it, um.
I think they remember, like, when I think back to my childhood, I don't remember, you know, oh, my laundry wasn't ready or, oh, you know, I don't know, the kitchen was a mess. I just know that I was loved. And, you know, my mom, especially, you know, just since we're talking about mom, was very nurturing, you know, and, I mean, both of my parents were always there for me. My mom says sometimes she's like, oh, I wish. I kind of, like, if you were saying, oh, I wish I had had better meals for you and all this stuff, and I said, mom, all that shawn and I will remember is that we would love and. Of course, yeah. Oh, you know.
[00:30:21] Speaker C: Yeah, she loves you. Well, so, yeah, I mean, none of us is going to be perfect, but I think that children do. Will remember just that old overall feel of their home.
[00:30:33] Speaker B: Yeah, I think so. For sure. You know, I think we're doing okay.
What do you enjoy most about being a stay at home mom?
[00:30:47] Speaker C: I think having conversations with the kids, and I don't do that as much as I ought to, but I think more and more as they get older, just hearing what's on their minds and starting to see them as.
Not that I didn't see them as human beings, but I mean, starting to see them as rational, thinking kids who are wrestling with ideas and trying to make decisions and also helping them learn to relate to each other and how to manage.
Well, like you were doing with Devin, how do you manage people and what are good ways to solve these problems?
So I think that those kinds of relational dynamics, which can be really hard.
[00:31:37] Speaker B: Also, but I enjoy. Yeah, I know Devin still talks to me, you know, about certain things, and the other day, we were waiting for the dog to get groomed, so we went to this park nearby, and he's kind of outgrowing the playground, but this is, like an amazing playground. This one's, you know, incredible. So he got on the swings, and I decided to swing with him. Yeah.
Yeah. Harder than I remember it to be.
[00:32:15] Speaker C: Wait, do I push my legs out?
[00:32:17] Speaker B: Yeah, when I go down, this is a lot of weight to push around.
But we were swinging, and then we sort of stopped swinging, and he just all of a sudden wanted to talk about all these things, and I was in that moment, my heart was just swelling that he wanted. You know, it's funny he wanted to talk about was I or how much of a daredevil was I growing up and what sort of things that we did. And I said, well, I'm not going to give you ideas.
And I remind him that I. Trampoline's going for time. Yeah. With limited supervision. But. But it sort of led into, like, talking about different childhoods and, you know, I was sort of, like, I was sort of sad that I got a text from the groomer that the dog was ready, you know, it was nice.
[00:33:21] Speaker C: It was definitely nice.
[00:33:23] Speaker B: Fine, we'll get the dog.
[00:33:26] Speaker C: I find that one thing that I have to battle is distraction.
Just consciously think, you know, this is a valuable thing and is important to spend this time talking. It's so easy for me to be distracted. I think it's so easy for our kids to be distracted, too. But sometimes I have to make a conscious effort to sit still unless, yeah.
[00:33:55] Speaker B: I know it's hard for me to sit still in general in my life. And I. So in that, for me, in the car seems to be the prime when he wants to talk about things, and then when I literally have to sit still, you know. Yeah, it is a good time. Yeah. And I really enjoy those, you know, Jeff gets a little jealous that I get all of those because I'm, you know, I'm mostly the ones that I become.
[00:34:24] Speaker C: Yeah, that makes sense.
[00:34:26] Speaker B: And I'm like, well, it is.
I'm the mom.
Well, so I think one thing in being a stay at home mom is there's a lot of judgment, I think, as far as. And, you know, from the greater world about, you know, some people are like, oh, it's not a job. Or, you know, you've probably heard some of your, some of that.
What do you. I don't know. Do you ever face that, that, you know, you ever get that feeling like, you know, oh, well, I don't know. There just seems to be this judgment about it sometimes.
[00:35:10] Speaker C: Um, I would say probably because just, I am around a lot of other stay at home moms and homeschool moms then, so I don't, I don't face that a lot.
I mean, I'm aware and I think. I think probably I do this to myself and other stay at home or homeschooling moms do it. We do it to ourselves and think, I mean, just kind of think, oh, am I. Am I doing enough? Am I being productive?
But in the grand scheme of things, I know, I know this is a valuable job.
You know, it is. But sometimes you don't feel like it in the moment.
[00:35:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:00] Speaker C: You know, I don't know how people have the energy, actually to work a full time job and parent their kids.
[00:36:17] Speaker B: Yeah, I don't either.
[00:36:19] Speaker C: I think it would take.
It would take more than.
I shouldn't say more than I have. I think there are plenty of people who do it, and I think if I had to do it, God would give me strength to do it, but, yeah, it would be exhausting.
[00:36:39] Speaker B: Yeah.
Sorry, go ahead.
[00:36:43] Speaker C: No, no. I think being a stay at home mom is exhausting.
[00:36:46] Speaker B: So I can't imagine doing a week. It is exhausting. I think the thing with being a stay at home mom is like, you're never off the clock, you know, as a mom, you know, it's like your job all day and.
[00:37:03] Speaker C: Yeah. And you're kind of the default, you know, in the middle of the night, you're.
[00:37:06] Speaker B: That.
[00:37:07] Speaker C: You're the default to wake up and to which, you know, I think as long as there's a balance in the home. Yeah, you know, I can see. I can see that.
[00:37:19] Speaker B: But, yeah, definitely.
I know.
I'm actually interviewing some other friends of mine. They're both full time working parents, and they.
But, you know, they. So they. And I interviewed them because they have a nice balance, I would say, on who does what. But no matter what, as the mom, you're always the default, I think, you know.
[00:37:49] Speaker C: Yeah, I think. I think there is something to that. I feel like that's probably true.
[00:37:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:37:54] Speaker C: Family. Yeah.
[00:37:56] Speaker B: Yeah, no doubt. I know. I mean, who gets the call that your son threw an apple at school? Mom does.
[00:38:06] Speaker C: What? Did I hear that right?
[00:38:09] Speaker B: Whenever. Whenever I get, you know, it comes across as being from the Ukala Mesa school district. I'm like, oh, no, not that he gets in trouble that much, but, you know, you.
[00:38:23] Speaker C: But I would think any parent would feel like that.
[00:38:26] Speaker B: What is this?
[00:38:29] Speaker C: I would say probably the. One of the challenging things, well, that we already. That we already mentioned was that, you know, you don't get paid for being a stay at home mom or homeschooling mom. And.
And sometimes you would like to have more incentive or recognition. You know, that's just a very human, human desire. But, you know, because it's such a delayed.
Delayed gratification, you know, you're putting in all this work and for a long time you may not see the results or you don't. You know, as far as homeschooling, you're always thinking, well, are my children going to be equipped to go into the world and be productive members of the working force, are they going to be equipped to go to college or am I doing everything I need to do to help them?
I think there's always that uncertainty there.
Whereas if you were working, you would, every two weeks or whatever, you would be getting a paycheck, and then you would, your supervisors would be responding to your work and letting you know whether you're doing a job, good job, or whether you're not doing a good job, but you need to change. But for, as a mom.
[00:39:51] Speaker B: Nobody doing the right.
I know. Sometimes I find myself, you know, like, asking for it, but in a backwards way, like, oh, what did, what do you think? Dev is doing really well, isn't he? You know, and I want Jeff to say, yeah, you did a good job, or whatever, you know, and he's pretty good with, with that. Or at least sensing that I'm asking for a.
But it is, it's, it's difficult because you don't. Your kids are your employers and they are not going to say, wow, mom, you know, you did a good job getting us up today. And, you know, the laundry looks great, or they don't. They don't, you know, ever. Even when they're a teenager, they don't when they're older.
[00:40:47] Speaker C: I think there are some who.
I think some of that is personality based, like some do are, you know, they do see the work you put in. But, I mean, I can't expect my children to fulfill my need for affirmation. So I try to, I try to remember that they're kids and I don't, you know, but, but when they give it, I mean, it's wonderful because then you're, you think, oh, wow. And then they're also, that means they're also learning to, to be observant with other people. So, I mean, it's a skill that they need to learn as well.
[00:41:25] Speaker B: Yeah, that's true. I didn't think about that. You know, for Devon, it's just a random hug that he'll give me. And of course, I want to just hold on, and he's like, okay, enough.
That's what you get. Or yesterday we went, we had a meeting at the school for Devin speech IEP. And he, you know, they always go around and, like, talk about Devin. They talk about, like, his general education and how he's doing, and they talk about his speech goals. And there were three different teachers or speech therapists there, and every one of them said, you have a sweet boy.
And we looked at each other like, okay, you know, like, we do have a sweet boy. You know, he is a good boy. So that's nice. It's helpful to hear. And, you know, he can't control the cute, but he can't control the sweet.
[00:42:27] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's helpful. And I think that's instructive, too, that for me, as I think about mom friends that I know, and, you know, how can I encourage them?
I mean, this doesn't just go for mom friends. This goes for any friends. But it does help you remember. Oh, everybody needs to be encouraged.
[00:42:52] Speaker B: That's true. That's true for sure.
[00:43:10] Speaker A: Welcome back to 45 left to right podcast. I hope you enjoyed my interview with Claire. She's amazing. I cannot believe all that she does every day. Just extraordinary. But I've always thought that about her, so.
Oh, usually this is a big, hearty section on research, but because I had, you know, a longer interview with Claire, I am keeping the research a little light on this episode, but it's still. Still going to do it. All right, so salary.com, they did a survey before and after the pandemic, and they surveyed 19,000 moms, which that's a decent amount of, you know, of a sample size. And in surveying these moms, they asked the moms to give a description of what they do every day. And then they took those descriptions and categorized them into jobs in the outside market.
Some of the jobs that they included were chief operating officer, logistics analyst, housekeeper, van driver, public school teacher, especially during COVID facilities manager, event planner, cook or a kitchen manager, assistant athletics director, nurse, physical therapy supervisor, nutrition director, fast food cook, server conflicts manager, fundraising coordinator. And those weren't even all of the jobs, but those are the ones I thought were really applicable.
I have been on social media where this was cited, and people just flipped out. Oh, they don't do all of that. That's not a fair assessment.
I could argue back and forth. Generally, the people who comment on this have never done the job or aren't familiar with what stay at home moms do. And I'd like to say working moms do these things also. But this is an episode about stay at home moms, so we're just going to stick to that.
So they took all of those jobs together and created sort of what would be a salary that they would be worth outside of the home. So they evaluated and estimated pre pandemic, that this would be worth $178,000 post pandemic. So 2020 and 2021, they valued it at $185,000.
Obviously, with the pandemic, you got to add education in there and probably some extra jobs that I just can't think about right now.
How are moms getting it all done?
Stay at home moms work on average 106 hours a week. So on average, 15 hours a day.
Let's put this into perspective.
Several years ago, I don't know if y'all remember, but I can't remember if it was a national law or if the medical field decided that general surgery residents were working too long of hours and were making mistakes and burning out. So now general surgery residents are limited to 72 hours a week. That's a big difference, right, between stay at home moms and general surgery residents.
Some skeptics may say that stay at home moms don't really work that much because their partners come home and help out. Absolutely. They do get some help in ideal situations. Jeff has always been an actively helpful partner. I mean, just incredible.
But here's the thing. Even with a partner, you're still responsible for your kids, at least partially.
You're still responsible for their welfare even with help. So it's not like you're completely off the clock. You aren't driving away from them and living somewhere else.
So this would be like working a nine to five and then bringing a customer home with you to live. Yet this customer cannot do anything for themselves. You need to cook them dinner. You need to entertain them, help them take a bath and put them to bed. And then in the morning, you'd have to help them get dressed and brush their teeth and feed them breakfast.
Sounds silly, but think about it. It's true.
So this next bit I found
[email protected] their finance section and the name of the article is the number of stay at home mothers rose dramatically in the US last year. And I think this was done a couple of years ago, or, I'm sorry, a year ago. This is according to a study conducted by Motherly. And they, this article calls them an advocacy group. I don't really think they're an advocacy group. It's a publication, by the way, that has routinely rejected my pitches. But they have good information.
In 2020, 215 percent of mothers identified as stay at home mothers. In 2023, it's up to 24%, which means that 9% of mothers have given up their jobs over the past year. The most common motivation for that was wanting to stay at home with their children, which is absolutely a great thing.
I, I like having this option, and I like being a stay at home mom. Or I liked, I'm sort of hybrid right now. I enjoy being the one who gets to spend more time with Devin. He is a funny, happy and curious kid and he always has been. He gives my life such light and I know he benefits from having one parent mostly at home, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard.
Now, this survey also suggests that if women would choose to return to work, there would have to be more flexibility at work and there would have to be more affordable childcare options. You have to remember that some people choose to stay at home and financially they're able to do that.
But some people have to stay at home because it, you know, they can't make enough money to support outside childcare. So it's a tough situation either way.
Welcome back to 45 left to right podcast. I want to conclude with some stories of my experience as a stay at home mom and then just some reflections.
There is a misconception many people have about being stay at home mom.
I think they think we have all the time in the world and just sit around eating bonbons all day. Now bonbons are delicious, but I rarely had time to sit around with a toddler running around, let alone eat luxurious chocolate. My snacking was more likely to be chicken nuggets and dropped blueberries.
Devin and I had a very strict schedule that we stuck to for the benefit of both of us.
After Jeff left for work around 730 in the morning, Devin and I would finish our breakfast and watch some curious George and maybe some wildcrats before getting dressed and ready for the day. Now I just have to say, curious George was an adorable monkey, but the adults in his life were so dumb.
Wild Kratz is brilliant and a national treasure and should never ever go off the air. But once Daniel Tiger came on, we were out of there. Usually by about nine.
We would go to a playground so Devin could get his energy out and he liked to run around and zoom his hot wheels down the slide. If anyone was in the way of this, they could either join in the fun or get hit in the face with a tiny metal car.
In an effort to be an interactive mom. I would play with him, run around with him, push him on the swings, although I was so happy when he could swing himself, which seemed to take forever, probably on purpose. We would play with hot wheels, etcetera.
This was fun for sure, but as an adult, maybe not as stimulating as I was used to.
Not that long before I was flying helicopters and only a few years before I was flying, traveling all around the country, performing stand up comedy and doing motivational speaking.
It is very difficult to entertain yourself and a child at the same time. The child wins every time.
After the playground, we would do something like go to the library or find some kind of toddler interactive team or, sorry, interactive thing.
Our community center had a lot of things like this. They had toddler gymnastics and art mommy and me kind of things. Later, when I met my friend Rachel, we would meet up with her somewhere or at her house where Devin and her daughter could play. And then we could chat and hang out. And that was a lovely time for me and hopefully for her.
Around 1130 or so, we would have lunch either at chick fil a for a treat, or we would go home. I made sure that he was down for a nap by noon because he was an absolute grumpy mess. If he didn't get his nap or if he napped too late, he would be hell to get down for bed.
After his nap, I would give him some free play time, which always involved his hot wheels or playing outside. We lived in southern California, so outside was a great option. Always sunny and warm.
Sometimes we would walk our elderly dog taco around the block. Or as Devon got older, he would scoot on his little three wheeled scooter, or he'd zoom around on his balance bike. We would have a snack around three, and usually we would make another trip to the playground. We have a lot of great playgrounds around here, too. I would start cooking dinner around five, all while supervising my wild man. And then Jeff would come home around six, all joyful and happy from his day out of the house.
Now, I usually had one of several reactions to his homecoming. One, I would bombard him with questions about his day with adults. Two, I would resent his very innocent question of what did I do today?
Three, I would collapse with exhaustion and just hand Devin off to him.
Four, I would be resentful of his day on the outside.
It was mixed bag.
We would eat dinner together, which we still try to do, though. Jeff and I would have what I made. And then even though I always tried to cook things that Devin would like, let's face it, and anyone with a toddler knows we had. He had a lot of chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. That's all they would eat sometimes.
Jeff is a very active and involved dad, so he usually gave me a break and took over the entertainment duties after dinner. I remember in our rental house, they would play this game where they would throw a tennis ball against the house, and then they would try to catch it on the rebound.
I remember hearing that tennis ball bonk. And then Devin and Jeff would laugh and laugh and laugh. And I loved those sounds. It's obviously a core memory for me. But I also was so tired and I just wanted to do something for myself.
When it came to bedtime, Jeff and I split the duties. I would usually do bath time and get him in his PJ's, and then Jeff would read to him and put him to bed.
Devin went through this phase where Jeff would put him in bed, and about two minutes later, Devin would burst through his door laughing and running. And then Jeff would try to put him back in bed. And this happened over and over and over and over.
But Jeff let me go to bed and he handled it. I have, and I will say this forever, an extraordinary husband. But many women do not have this kind of support.
All of this might sound easy to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but it is a really hard mix of joy, of pressure, and of loneliness.
You get to experience these joyful moments from your children. Devin's giggly laughter, his legs that were always on the move. How he loved his hot wheels, but he always freely shared them at the playground. How he would zoom his balance bike all over the community park. All of these things I got to experience.
But it is also exhausting being responsible for this beloved child all day long, making sure his wild legs didn't lead him into a busy street or that he didn't lose control over his bike and get hurt.
That the kid he is playing with returns his hot wheels.
That you are enriching him enough that he will do well in school one day, that you are giving him all of these meaningful experiences, that he is balanced, that he is kind, that he doesn't pull the cat's tail.
And even if you have wonderful friends, you still spend a majority of the day with this precious little being who you can't have a real conversation with.
Hearing all of this, why would anyone deprive a stay at home mom of some bon bons?
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of the 45 left or right podcast. If you can rate, review and subscribe to this episode, and if you haven't already, the podcast in general found out that you cannot write comments on Spotify, but you can rate it with stars. And it's usually there's little triple dots at the bottom where the episode description is on Apple. You can rate and review, but since I am an Android peasant, I cannot walk you through those steps. I am sending my podcast to YouTube now and it's easy to do all of those things, so that's nice.
I'm going to link all of my social media in the episode description. I'm on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok, so please find me there if you are thoroughly obsessed. I know this is a lot of ass, but I'm trying to, you know, get out there and, you know, hopefully reach the masses, though I do appreciate everyone who listens now, and hopefully you will in the future.
So thank you so much for listening. I think Jeff is coming back with my bonbons, so bye for.
